Some days it's really hard to know what I'm thinking. Lately, every day seems to be that way. I have so many emotions running through me, I really don't know what to think. A while ago, my bio father and I reconnected. It was pretty awesome. He remarried and we were all talking. Then, out of nowhere, he started acting different. I'm not really sure what happened but I do know  that it bothers me. I feel like the biggest idiot out there. My hubby says it was definitely not me. He doesn't know what started it either. We had even made plans with them to go visit. Then I got a text saying we wouldn't be able to get together and that he couldn't  tell me why but would when he could. That was over a month ago. Not a word since. It really irritates me! It makes me mad but it also really hurts. My kids are suffering too. They have asked me why we didn't go to their house like we had planned. I don't lie, so I told them we couldn't because their papa said we couldn't get together that weekend. They know. They have the same feelings I do. I'm not good enough for anyone on my side of  the family. My husband's side drops almost everything to see their family, especially if plans had already been made. It's not like that on my side. We hardly get together. My kids know that each side has a different type of love. Unfortunately, it makes it hard for my children and husband to even want to go to events on my side of the family now. I don't blame them either. If I didn't feel so strongly for some members of my family, I wouldn't go either.

That's kind of a harsh reality. I love my family, but I can only take them in small doses now. I wonder if that's how my foster son feels sometimes too. He knows where he is loved and taken care of. He has visits with his side of the family every other week. He's stated on multiple occasions that he doesn't want to go. Because I don't have control over those visits, he has to go. A day or two before his visit, we see some pretty extensive behavior. Sometimes, it's just words and whining. Other times, it's more physical stuff. If I have as much trouble with my emotions and my family, I can't begin to imagine what he is going through at 8 years old. It doesn't matter how much he is loved here, his world will always be different. We never had to go through having food thrown at us or kept locked in a room or be so neglected. I will never know what it is like to have my mother's parental rights taken from her when I was 2. I'll never know what it was to have a father and grandparents abuse me. I'll never know what it was like to only have 2 sisters protect me so much that they suffered more trauma than I did. I can't put myself into his shoes. I will cry more than I ever have in my life.

We have court coming up in one week. We, along with many professionals, have all been summoned to appear in a termination hearing. My brain is a mess. I want to make all the pain stop for this little boy. The sad reality is that it will never stop. It doesn't matter what happens in that court room. If the rights are terminated for his father, he will most likely always feel abandoned by him. He may always miss his sisters and wonder what he did to deserve all that he went through. Yes, he will have us but we are just substitute parents. We are parents that love him and want to protect him. However, we will never be blood family. On the other hand, if he goes home, he may suffer even more. There is no telling what they will go through. I'm sure his father has gone through all the parenting education classes that are required. I know he has stopped doing some things he shouldn't have even done. I don't know how we will react when one of those 3 high needs children does something that upsets him. How bad will it get for them? What if one of our foster son's sisters hurts him on accident? How will he handle that? How will his dad handle it?

For the next week, I'm sure I will be a mess. My hubs and I will stay as strong as we can. We have each other for back up. We have an all power Father watching over us. We can't do this alone. His strength has gotten us through so much. That's what I am leaning on. No, I'm clinging to it. I can't process the feelings I am having but Christ bears them for me. When it's too much, I ask him to take them away from me. So if you read this, please pray for us. Pray that God gives us the sense of peace that seems to escape me at the moment. Pray for understanding. Pray for this little boy who doesn't know where is he going to end up living in  the next year. Pray for hearts to be opened and God's wisdom, power, and righteousness to prevail.

Anxiety

I struggle with anxiety. I know I shouldn't but I do. Some days it's crippling. Some days, it's just there. Still other days, it's barely noticeable. I always know it's there.

I was thinking today about a few things. I am always busy. The busier I am, the less I notice the anxiety. It's days where my mind is free to wander and think that it really affects me. Don't get me wrong, I like the free me time without kids and a husband. I love to relax. I just don't do it often. I actually like to stay very, very busy.

Most people know I ran a home daycare for years.  I love taking care of kids. Honestly, I think it's because my mind likes to be busy like theirs. I can focus on things that are fun but I'm constantly moving like them. In my teenage years I never stayed home. I either participated in sports, went to sports activities, exercised, went for a walk, or "cruising" with my friends. The same was true for the beginning of my marriage. We were always busy even when our first was little.

I am not sure if I've always had anxiety or if it's just hitting me the older I get. I remember always thinking "what would happen if". There was a lot of turmoil in the household when I was young. My parents divorced, my mom was single and dating, then she remarried. That brought with it a whole new set of thoughts. I had step-siblings. I overheard a lot of talk about financial worries.

I was never in short supply of things to worry about. I tried to keep good grades in school. I didn't necessarily worry about them but I knew enough to keep them up. I had major anxiety about tests and homework and how it would affect those grades too.

So back to today. I am going to try and start a Bible study about anxiety and worry. It's on my Bible app. The reading plan is called Switch. I read about fighting fear today. It said "Fear serves one--and only one--purpose: to keep you alive. It's nothing more than a survival response". It made me realize I have been in survival mode WAY to long. I also loved that it reminded me I have been made for a great purpose. With that, God gave me power to overcome that fear. He gave me power to overcome anxiety. I'm not good at it, but I am going to continue to fight fear and someday I will come out on top.
I will still get stuck on days where anxiety takes hold. I am not perfect. I will try to remember God made me powerful. HE conquered all of this. I am made in His image. Because of this, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:13).

Usually when I write, I write for an audience. Today I write for myself. We were projected to have an ice storm the last 3 days. However, what we got was rain with a little mix of ice. I have been home the last few days with nothing to really do. In addition, I have also had a slight head cold. At night, I'm congested and have been using nasal strips to keep my airways open. VapoRub and Zyrtec D have been my constant companions.

Today was the dreariest of days. It has been cold and rainy with no sun in sight. My mood has matched what it looks like outside. I have spent almost all day reading my Bible and trying to be in a better mood. I have made a blanket with my daughter (no-sew kind), made cookies, washed/dried and folded laundry and even taken a nap. I was up at 8 and its almost 12 hours later. I still don't quite feel like myself.

I'm frustrated and kind of gloomy. It's one of my harder days. It seems like everything someone says to me gets me even more upset. They don't even have to say anything to me. If I think they are thinking ill of me, I'm upset and frustrated with that too. My hubby and I are not even on the same page. I think the kids should be doing something but he thinks there is nothing for them to do. Our son has been on his xbox one all day, our daughter on her computer, and the hubby and foster boy have been watching tv. I've been in the back room by myself for most of the day. Right now I'm in my room trying to get all these feelings out on here.

I know it's been one of those days when the only way I can think of to get myself in a better mood is to write. I don't typically put this type of stuff down. One thing that also irritates me is when I don't feel like I'm being respected and kind of taken for granted. I've felt like this before and I hated the way I felt. Today, I'm feeling that way again.

I don't know if it's my past that makes me feel this way or if it is the present situation. Either way, it sucks! I don't like to blame stuff on my past because I feel like I can overcome that. I always will have feelings associated with it but I have to continually figure out how to make myself get better. That's why I've been in the Bible almost all day.

Lately, I've been feeling like in my house, it might be better off without mom here or at least to stay quiet and let everyone do whatever it is they want to. I don't know if it's really worth the fight. I'm struggling with being heard and being listened to. I'm also struggling with where do I need to be submissive and where do I not. It's this fight that is most hardest for me. I want to be submissive to my husband because this is what God asks of me but I am finding it harder and harder to stay that way. I don't always agree with what he says and I tell him so but he usually overrides what I say. For the most part, I have accepted that. I'm trusting that God will work through him and it'll all be okay in the end. Then there are days like today. Days where I would really like for what I'm thinking and saying to be accepted without questioning it. Where do I go with this? What do I do?

Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day. I'm hoping that when I close my eyes, God allows me to be restored as I was when I didn't care. I pray that He gives me a better understanding of days like this. I also pray that he takes the sorrow that I feel and gives it a purpose. Maybe someone else is going through something like this and doesn't know what to do. Maybe He gives them the same courage and restoration I am asking for.

Today is just one of those days. The kind where I am not feeling blessed or loved. I don't know why but I know I will come out on top another day!

Don't Worry, Celebrate

This morning, I'm sitting outside drinking coffee. I got on Facebook and saw a friend lost his mom. My husband is with his family waiting to hear what will happen with his uncle. A relative on my side is going through chemo.

So, I called my grandma. She is older and wiser. But, I didn't even get to ask her any questions other than the normal how are you. She told me about a visitor that was coming to see her and asked if I was going to be home tonight. I told her no and we talked for a little while longer. Grandma has her good days and bad days. Today was a good day. She told me she didn't think the visitor would recognize her. I asked her why and her reply was because she needed something to help her walk now. The last time she saw this person she couldn't hardly sit still because she felt she had to be doing something.

While I sit here and ponder how things can be so scary and sad in this world, I'm reminded that there are good things too! Yes, sad things happen. Yes, scary things happen. No, I don't have to be weighed down by them. I can rise above them and be optimistic. God conquers all of the scary, sad things in life. HIS church is on the rise. HIS church is growing. He CONQUERS ALL.

Too often, I get into moods that I constantly feel depressed. I cry for no good reason other than I feel sad. I don't always know why either. I worry about what will happen to the world my children live in. I have to make a choice, sometimes daily, to be happy. Then I remember, I'm still breathing. I woke up. I have a family. I have a house and food. I live in a country where it is still my choice whether or not I worship Christ.

Through God's word in Philippians 4:6-7: "Don't worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses every thought, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." I give my worry to Him through prayer. He reminds me that I can be happy. I can live knowing HE will take care of me and I need to rest and let Him take care of what I can't control.

Father God, I come to you today with a sad heart. I know the things of this world are too much for me. I stress and worry about the things that will happen in the future. I ask that you take this burden from me and replace it with the joy and comfort that only you can. Help me to remember as I go through this day, you are in control. Praise be to you for the victory that is coming! Remind me to celebrate with joy throughout so that my children and all those I come into contact with will know of you. Amen

Father's Day

Father's Day can be a terrifying day for some people. It can overwhelm them, make them sad, and leave them exhausted. Depending on the year, I can totally relate to each one.

With that being said, I have four fathers. First and foremost my father God. He is my number one fan. He loves me unconditionally despite all my faults. He wakes me up every morning. He allows me to experience times of hardship to draw me closer to him. He asks for me to listen to him and obey everything he tells me. I, sadly, do not always appreciate him, run to him, or even seek his advice.

Next, there is a guy who accepted me as his own, even though I wasn't. Growing up, I thought he hung the moon and stars. As I got older, I knew he had many faults. One of those faults was a sickening disease. He was an alcoholic. He drank. He was unable to keep a job. He fought with my mother. He made things hard. Despite all that, he taught me. He taught me things didn't even want to know. It takes hard work to keep things together. If you want anything, you will eventually have to work for it. The sad part was, he taught me this because of what my mother had to do because he couldn't. He also taught me that everyone makes mistakes. He suffered the rest of his life because of the choices he made when I was younger. Alcohol eventually ended up taking his life.

My third father also took me in even though I wasn't his. He taught me tough love. He taught me frustration. He taught me not to quit. Growing up with the 2nd and 3rd fathers, I had loyalty issues. I argued with the third because I thought he was unfair. I thought he loved his own children and my brothers more than he loved me. After the 2nd father passed away, I grew a little closer to the 3rd. I'm still not very close with him but I can understand where he came from and what it must have been like to have me as a step-daughter. YUCK! I apologize for a lot.

Finally, my biological father. Not knowing him for a long time and then not liking him when I did know him probably taught me a lot too. Unfortunately, I haven't really discovered what those things are yet. However, I do know that as our relationship progresses, I learn bits and pieces about myself.
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There are many men that have influenced me in my life. It is not just tied to these four fathers. In addition, my grandfather, my uncles, and my father-in-law have greatly influenced me. Each of these men has possessed a quality of my first father. He knew I would need many of them in my life. It wouldn't be until later in life that I would understand that I needed HIM first and always. To each of these men, thank you for giving me a piece of you. I hold each of you so close to my heart.

To those men who influence a child, young or old, thank you. If you are a step-dad, a biological dad, adopted dad, foster dad, or granddad; you are a very important person. You are building future leaders, husbands, and wives. Thank you for turning to your father, earthly and heavenly, for guidance. May God's wisdom, grace, and blessing be with each of you this year and many more.

Being Restored on Thanksgiving

As a foster mom, I understand the holidays are a hard time for my foster and biological kiddos. However, it also reminds me how hard it is for my husband and I. Every November I go into a tailspin. It affects me deeply. Truth be told, it affects my family very deeply.

Four years ago, I had made a decision to leave my husband and take our children with me. Today, we are still together. It is nothing short of a miracle that God gave us and those children we have taken in. November always catches me off guard no matter how I try to be prepared for it. I still think what would have happened if I had followed through with it. What would have happened if my husband had not been as strong as he was? Would we have found our way back to each other? Would we have had the opportunity we have the last two years with foster care?

This morning as I began to wonder these questions, my husband and I were on the phone. He was having the same questions but had others I hadn't thought of. He also pointed out very gently that we were okay and were going to be better every year. After talking to him for a little bit, we hung up and he went back to work. I however decided I needed to shower and get my day started.  In the course of getting my shower, I began to weep heavily as Christian music was playing in the background. It was then that I was reminded that I had been restored and how I use that is going to say what I have learned.

I have kept holding on, year after year, to the painful memories and have not been able to look at the good times that have sprung from that. I know that God took that awful event and has used it for good. I keep punishing myself because I feel like it was all my fault and I am not worthy to be restored. Yes, I have struggled with this for a long time but I am choosing to accept the gift God has so graciously given me, year after year and memory after memory.

For anyone that is going through a tough time like this, I understand your struggle. You are not alone and there is always someone that will understand. I don't claim to know everything, I only have my experience but there are those that are more educated that can help you. I am willing to be a listening/reading person. Feel free to message me and let me know how I can pray for you.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving and don't forget to say Thanks to the power that gave it to us!

It's Different

So, nobody told me the heartache and happiness that would come with foster care. No one told me the frustrations in detail that could go along with it. Most of what was said was, it's different. Make sure you know what you are getting into. It's not bad, it's not good. It is different.

I have had to realize I am not superwoman. I can't do it alone and I can't be everywhere that I need to. Some days will be harder than others. Most will say this of any parenting relationship. Again, it's different. Yes, I have two children of my own and yes, some days are harder than others with them. However, I know how to handle their personalities because I have had 10-13 years of getting to know them.

No matter how long we've had a child, I never feel fully equipped to take care of them. My patience button gets pushed more than I would like to admit. One particular child has been with us almost 9 months. This child started out with me being aggravated on a daily basis. Then they got better. Then just as I thought I had them figured out, I realized I knew nothing about them. I became aggravated once again almost daily. It was different though. This child knew my husband and I were there for them. However, it felt like they were shutting us out and trying to purposely make us upset. Then, we bring another child in and all of a sudden, they take the "leader" role. I still don't have them figured out.

In addition to all of this, my husband and I have added a teenager into the mix. It's been different with this one too. My biological teenager is just at the beginning of the teen years. I'm going to have time to fine tune her new personality. But, when a new teenager comes in and has their own personality and way of doing things, it can be completely different. We don't always see eye to eye. I've been told I have anger issues. I yell too much. These are really hard to hear. I know they are just working through their own things but it really does make you look hard at yourself. Now, it's not all bad. Some good came out of these two situations.

One, I was finally able to admit, yes, I do have anger issues. Yes, I do need help. My anger wasn't because of children. It wasn't because of my past. It wasn't because of my husband either. I was having anxiety. This anxiety was different than what I had dealt with regarding depression. My medication wasn't working and I didn't like the way I felt. So, I went back to the doctor. I'm on new medicine now and I feel like a better person again.

Two, the love I feel from all the kids in my home and my spouse has increased greatly. I know they love me unconditionally. Each child has their own way of showing me the love and thanks they have. I love the one-on-one time with them.

Three, foster care has never been more rewarding. Foster care is opening up more windows and doors to God. One little word or action can help me see what God sees. With each new personality and each new child, I am being refined. My own children are being refined. My husband is being refined also. We are growing up and changing. We are closer somehow, yet also far apart. Each of us sees something different. My children will tell you they don't always like foster care. They don't like having their rooms disrupted or their time with daddy and I taken away. It's not always easy. We work through it like most families, one day at a time.

Even though foster care can be different with each new child, I know one thing remains the same. God is a constant in our home. The littlest child now prays before every meal and snack. He makes sure to remind all the older siblings. The two teenagers talk about Him more and how to deal with changes. The oldest boy is beginning to see why we do foster care. I catch little glimpses of him growing up and having more of a heart for God. My husband studies the Bible more too. Our home has been different. It's not bad, it's not perfect, it's just different. I am learning to love different.