Some days it's really hard to know what I'm thinking. Lately, every day seems to be that way. I have so many emotions running through me, I really don't know what to think. A while ago, my bio father and I reconnected. It was pretty awesome. He remarried and we were all talking. Then, out of nowhere, he started acting different. I'm not really sure what happened but I do know that it bothers me. I feel like the biggest idiot out there. My hubby says it was definitely not me. He doesn't know what started it either. We had even made plans with them to go visit. Then I got a text saying we wouldn't be able to get together and that he couldn't tell me why but would when he could. That was over a month ago. Not a word since. It really irritates me! It makes me mad but it also really hurts. My kids are suffering too. They have asked me why we didn't go to their house like we had planned. I don't lie, so I told them we couldn't because their papa said we couldn't get together that weekend. They know. They have the same feelings I do. I'm not good enough for anyone on my side of the family. My husband's side drops almost everything to see their family, especially if plans had already been made. It's not like that on my side. We hardly get together. My kids know that each side has a different type of love. Unfortunately, it makes it hard for my children and husband to even want to go to events on my side of the family now. I don't blame them either. If I didn't feel so strongly for some members of my family, I wouldn't go either.
That's kind of a harsh reality. I love my family, but I can only take them in small doses now. I wonder if that's how my foster son feels sometimes too. He knows where he is loved and taken care of. He has visits with his side of the family every other week. He's stated on multiple occasions that he doesn't want to go. Because I don't have control over those visits, he has to go. A day or two before his visit, we see some pretty extensive behavior. Sometimes, it's just words and whining. Other times, it's more physical stuff. If I have as much trouble with my emotions and my family, I can't begin to imagine what he is going through at 8 years old. It doesn't matter how much he is loved here, his world will always be different. We never had to go through having food thrown at us or kept locked in a room or be so neglected. I will never know what it is like to have my mother's parental rights taken from her when I was 2. I'll never know what it was to have a father and grandparents abuse me. I'll never know what it was like to only have 2 sisters protect me so much that they suffered more trauma than I did. I can't put myself into his shoes. I will cry more than I ever have in my life.
We have court coming up in one week. We, along with many professionals, have all been summoned to appear in a termination hearing. My brain is a mess. I want to make all the pain stop for this little boy. The sad reality is that it will never stop. It doesn't matter what happens in that court room. If the rights are terminated for his father, he will most likely always feel abandoned by him. He may always miss his sisters and wonder what he did to deserve all that he went through. Yes, he will have us but we are just substitute parents. We are parents that love him and want to protect him. However, we will never be blood family. On the other hand, if he goes home, he may suffer even more. There is no telling what they will go through. I'm sure his father has gone through all the parenting education classes that are required. I know he has stopped doing some things he shouldn't have even done. I don't know how we will react when one of those 3 high needs children does something that upsets him. How bad will it get for them? What if one of our foster son's sisters hurts him on accident? How will he handle that? How will his dad handle it?
For the next week, I'm sure I will be a mess. My hubs and I will stay as strong as we can. We have each other for back up. We have an all power Father watching over us. We can't do this alone. His strength has gotten us through so much. That's what I am leaning on. No, I'm clinging to it. I can't process the feelings I am having but Christ bears them for me. When it's too much, I ask him to take them away from me. So if you read this, please pray for us. Pray that God gives us the sense of peace that seems to escape me at the moment. Pray for understanding. Pray for this little boy who doesn't know where is he going to end up living in the next year. Pray for hearts to be opened and God's wisdom, power, and righteousness to prevail.
Friday, April 20, 2018
Sunday, February 19, 2017
Anxiety
I struggle with anxiety. I know I shouldn't but I do. Some days it's crippling. Some days, it's just there. Still other days, it's barely noticeable. I always know it's there.
I was thinking today about a few things. I am always busy. The busier I am, the less I notice the anxiety. It's days where my mind is free to wander and think that it really affects me. Don't get me wrong, I like the free me time without kids and a husband. I love to relax. I just don't do it often. I actually like to stay very, very busy.
Most people know I ran a home daycare for years. I love taking care of kids. Honestly, I think it's because my mind likes to be busy like theirs. I can focus on things that are fun but I'm constantly moving like them. In my teenage years I never stayed home. I either participated in sports, went to sports activities, exercised, went for a walk, or "cruising" with my friends. The same was true for the beginning of my marriage. We were always busy even when our first was little.
I am not sure if I've always had anxiety or if it's just hitting me the older I get. I remember always thinking "what would happen if". There was a lot of turmoil in the household when I was young. My parents divorced, my mom was single and dating, then she remarried. That brought with it a whole new set of thoughts. I had step-siblings. I overheard a lot of talk about financial worries.
I was never in short supply of things to worry about. I tried to keep good grades in school. I didn't necessarily worry about them but I knew enough to keep them up. I had major anxiety about tests and homework and how it would affect those grades too.
So back to today. I am going to try and start a Bible study about anxiety and worry. It's on my Bible app. The reading plan is called Switch. I read about fighting fear today. It said "Fear serves one--and only one--purpose: to keep you alive. It's nothing more than a survival response". It made me realize I have been in survival mode WAY to long. I also loved that it reminded me I have been made for a great purpose. With that, God gave me power to overcome that fear. He gave me power to overcome anxiety. I'm not good at it, but I am going to continue to fight fear and someday I will come out on top.
I will still get stuck on days where anxiety takes hold. I am not perfect. I will try to remember God made me powerful. HE conquered all of this. I am made in His image. Because of this, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:13).
I was thinking today about a few things. I am always busy. The busier I am, the less I notice the anxiety. It's days where my mind is free to wander and think that it really affects me. Don't get me wrong, I like the free me time without kids and a husband. I love to relax. I just don't do it often. I actually like to stay very, very busy.
Most people know I ran a home daycare for years. I love taking care of kids. Honestly, I think it's because my mind likes to be busy like theirs. I can focus on things that are fun but I'm constantly moving like them. In my teenage years I never stayed home. I either participated in sports, went to sports activities, exercised, went for a walk, or "cruising" with my friends. The same was true for the beginning of my marriage. We were always busy even when our first was little.
I am not sure if I've always had anxiety or if it's just hitting me the older I get. I remember always thinking "what would happen if". There was a lot of turmoil in the household when I was young. My parents divorced, my mom was single and dating, then she remarried. That brought with it a whole new set of thoughts. I had step-siblings. I overheard a lot of talk about financial worries.
I was never in short supply of things to worry about. I tried to keep good grades in school. I didn't necessarily worry about them but I knew enough to keep them up. I had major anxiety about tests and homework and how it would affect those grades too.
So back to today. I am going to try and start a Bible study about anxiety and worry. It's on my Bible app. The reading plan is called Switch. I read about fighting fear today. It said "Fear serves one--and only one--purpose: to keep you alive. It's nothing more than a survival response". It made me realize I have been in survival mode WAY to long. I also loved that it reminded me I have been made for a great purpose. With that, God gave me power to overcome that fear. He gave me power to overcome anxiety. I'm not good at it, but I am going to continue to fight fear and someday I will come out on top.
I will still get stuck on days where anxiety takes hold. I am not perfect. I will try to remember God made me powerful. HE conquered all of this. I am made in His image. Because of this, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:13).
Sunday, January 15, 2017
Usually when I write, I write for an audience. Today I write for myself. We were projected to have an ice storm the last 3 days. However, what we got was rain with a little mix of ice. I have been home the last few days with nothing to really do. In addition, I have also had a slight head cold. At night, I'm congested and have been using nasal strips to keep my airways open. VapoRub and Zyrtec D have been my constant companions.
Today was the dreariest of days. It has been cold and rainy with no sun in sight. My mood has matched what it looks like outside. I have spent almost all day reading my Bible and trying to be in a better mood. I have made a blanket with my daughter (no-sew kind), made cookies, washed/dried and folded laundry and even taken a nap. I was up at 8 and its almost 12 hours later. I still don't quite feel like myself.
I'm frustrated and kind of gloomy. It's one of my harder days. It seems like everything someone says to me gets me even more upset. They don't even have to say anything to me. If I think they are thinking ill of me, I'm upset and frustrated with that too. My hubby and I are not even on the same page. I think the kids should be doing something but he thinks there is nothing for them to do. Our son has been on his xbox one all day, our daughter on her computer, and the hubby and foster boy have been watching tv. I've been in the back room by myself for most of the day. Right now I'm in my room trying to get all these feelings out on here.
I know it's been one of those days when the only way I can think of to get myself in a better mood is to write. I don't typically put this type of stuff down. One thing that also irritates me is when I don't feel like I'm being respected and kind of taken for granted. I've felt like this before and I hated the way I felt. Today, I'm feeling that way again.
I don't know if it's my past that makes me feel this way or if it is the present situation. Either way, it sucks! I don't like to blame stuff on my past because I feel like I can overcome that. I always will have feelings associated with it but I have to continually figure out how to make myself get better. That's why I've been in the Bible almost all day.
Lately, I've been feeling like in my house, it might be better off without mom here or at least to stay quiet and let everyone do whatever it is they want to. I don't know if it's really worth the fight. I'm struggling with being heard and being listened to. I'm also struggling with where do I need to be submissive and where do I not. It's this fight that is most hardest for me. I want to be submissive to my husband because this is what God asks of me but I am finding it harder and harder to stay that way. I don't always agree with what he says and I tell him so but he usually overrides what I say. For the most part, I have accepted that. I'm trusting that God will work through him and it'll all be okay in the end. Then there are days like today. Days where I would really like for what I'm thinking and saying to be accepted without questioning it. Where do I go with this? What do I do?
Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day. I'm hoping that when I close my eyes, God allows me to be restored as I was when I didn't care. I pray that He gives me a better understanding of days like this. I also pray that he takes the sorrow that I feel and gives it a purpose. Maybe someone else is going through something like this and doesn't know what to do. Maybe He gives them the same courage and restoration I am asking for.
Today is just one of those days. The kind where I am not feeling blessed or loved. I don't know why but I know I will come out on top another day!
Today was the dreariest of days. It has been cold and rainy with no sun in sight. My mood has matched what it looks like outside. I have spent almost all day reading my Bible and trying to be in a better mood. I have made a blanket with my daughter (no-sew kind), made cookies, washed/dried and folded laundry and even taken a nap. I was up at 8 and its almost 12 hours later. I still don't quite feel like myself.
I'm frustrated and kind of gloomy. It's one of my harder days. It seems like everything someone says to me gets me even more upset. They don't even have to say anything to me. If I think they are thinking ill of me, I'm upset and frustrated with that too. My hubby and I are not even on the same page. I think the kids should be doing something but he thinks there is nothing for them to do. Our son has been on his xbox one all day, our daughter on her computer, and the hubby and foster boy have been watching tv. I've been in the back room by myself for most of the day. Right now I'm in my room trying to get all these feelings out on here.
I know it's been one of those days when the only way I can think of to get myself in a better mood is to write. I don't typically put this type of stuff down. One thing that also irritates me is when I don't feel like I'm being respected and kind of taken for granted. I've felt like this before and I hated the way I felt. Today, I'm feeling that way again.
I don't know if it's my past that makes me feel this way or if it is the present situation. Either way, it sucks! I don't like to blame stuff on my past because I feel like I can overcome that. I always will have feelings associated with it but I have to continually figure out how to make myself get better. That's why I've been in the Bible almost all day.
Lately, I've been feeling like in my house, it might be better off without mom here or at least to stay quiet and let everyone do whatever it is they want to. I don't know if it's really worth the fight. I'm struggling with being heard and being listened to. I'm also struggling with where do I need to be submissive and where do I not. It's this fight that is most hardest for me. I want to be submissive to my husband because this is what God asks of me but I am finding it harder and harder to stay that way. I don't always agree with what he says and I tell him so but he usually overrides what I say. For the most part, I have accepted that. I'm trusting that God will work through him and it'll all be okay in the end. Then there are days like today. Days where I would really like for what I'm thinking and saying to be accepted without questioning it. Where do I go with this? What do I do?
Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day. I'm hoping that when I close my eyes, God allows me to be restored as I was when I didn't care. I pray that He gives me a better understanding of days like this. I also pray that he takes the sorrow that I feel and gives it a purpose. Maybe someone else is going through something like this and doesn't know what to do. Maybe He gives them the same courage and restoration I am asking for.
Today is just one of those days. The kind where I am not feeling blessed or loved. I don't know why but I know I will come out on top another day!
Friday, June 24, 2016
Don't Worry, Celebrate
This morning, I'm sitting outside drinking coffee. I got on Facebook and saw a friend lost his mom. My husband is with his family waiting to hear what will happen with his uncle. A relative on my side is going through chemo.
So, I called my grandma. She is older and wiser. But, I didn't even get to ask her any questions other than the normal how are you. She told me about a visitor that was coming to see her and asked if I was going to be home tonight. I told her no and we talked for a little while longer. Grandma has her good days and bad days. Today was a good day. She told me she didn't think the visitor would recognize her. I asked her why and her reply was because she needed something to help her walk now. The last time she saw this person she couldn't hardly sit still because she felt she had to be doing something.
While I sit here and ponder how things can be so scary and sad in this world, I'm reminded that there are good things too! Yes, sad things happen. Yes, scary things happen. No, I don't have to be weighed down by them. I can rise above them and be optimistic. God conquers all of the scary, sad things in life. HIS church is on the rise. HIS church is growing. He CONQUERS ALL.
Too often, I get into moods that I constantly feel depressed. I cry for no good reason other than I feel sad. I don't always know why either. I worry about what will happen to the world my children live in. I have to make a choice, sometimes daily, to be happy. Then I remember, I'm still breathing. I woke up. I have a family. I have a house and food. I live in a country where it is still my choice whether or not I worship Christ.
Through God's word in Philippians 4:6-7: "Don't worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses every thought, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." I give my worry to Him through prayer. He reminds me that I can be happy. I can live knowing HE will take care of me and I need to rest and let Him take care of what I can't control.
Father God, I come to you today with a sad heart. I know the things of this world are too much for me. I stress and worry about the things that will happen in the future. I ask that you take this burden from me and replace it with the joy and comfort that only you can. Help me to remember as I go through this day, you are in control. Praise be to you for the victory that is coming! Remind me to celebrate with joy throughout so that my children and all those I come into contact with will know of you. Amen
So, I called my grandma. She is older and wiser. But, I didn't even get to ask her any questions other than the normal how are you. She told me about a visitor that was coming to see her and asked if I was going to be home tonight. I told her no and we talked for a little while longer. Grandma has her good days and bad days. Today was a good day. She told me she didn't think the visitor would recognize her. I asked her why and her reply was because she needed something to help her walk now. The last time she saw this person she couldn't hardly sit still because she felt she had to be doing something.
While I sit here and ponder how things can be so scary and sad in this world, I'm reminded that there are good things too! Yes, sad things happen. Yes, scary things happen. No, I don't have to be weighed down by them. I can rise above them and be optimistic. God conquers all of the scary, sad things in life. HIS church is on the rise. HIS church is growing. He CONQUERS ALL.
Too often, I get into moods that I constantly feel depressed. I cry for no good reason other than I feel sad. I don't always know why either. I worry about what will happen to the world my children live in. I have to make a choice, sometimes daily, to be happy. Then I remember, I'm still breathing. I woke up. I have a family. I have a house and food. I live in a country where it is still my choice whether or not I worship Christ.
Through God's word in Philippians 4:6-7: "Don't worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses every thought, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." I give my worry to Him through prayer. He reminds me that I can be happy. I can live knowing HE will take care of me and I need to rest and let Him take care of what I can't control.
Father God, I come to you today with a sad heart. I know the things of this world are too much for me. I stress and worry about the things that will happen in the future. I ask that you take this burden from me and replace it with the joy and comfort that only you can. Help me to remember as I go through this day, you are in control. Praise be to you for the victory that is coming! Remind me to celebrate with joy throughout so that my children and all those I come into contact with will know of you. Amen
Saturday, June 18, 2016
Father's Day
Father's Day can be a terrifying day for some people. It can overwhelm them, make them sad, and leave them exhausted. Depending on the year, I can totally relate to each one.
With that being said, I have four fathers. First and foremost my father God. He is my number one fan. He loves me unconditionally despite all my faults. He wakes me up every morning. He allows me to experience times of hardship to draw me closer to him. He asks for me to listen to him and obey everything he tells me. I, sadly, do not always appreciate him, run to him, or even seek his advice.
Next, there is a guy who accepted me as his own, even though I wasn't. Growing up, I thought he hung the moon and stars. As I got older, I knew he had many faults. One of those faults was a sickening disease. He was an alcoholic. He drank. He was unable to keep a job. He fought with my mother. He made things hard. Despite all that, he taught me. He taught me things didn't even want to know. It takes hard work to keep things together. If you want anything, you will eventually have to work for it. The sad part was, he taught me this because of what my mother had to do because he couldn't. He also taught me that everyone makes mistakes. He suffered the rest of his life because of the choices he made when I was younger. Alcohol eventually ended up taking his life.
My third father also took me in even though I wasn't his. He taught me tough love. He taught me frustration. He taught me not to quit. Growing up with the 2nd and 3rd fathers, I had loyalty issues. I argued with the third because I thought he was unfair. I thought he loved his own children and my brothers more than he loved me. After the 2nd father passed away, I grew a little closer to the 3rd. I'm still not very close with him but I can understand where he came from and what it must have been like to have me as a step-daughter. YUCK! I apologize for a lot.
Finally, my biological father. Not knowing him for a long time and then not liking him when I did know him probably taught me a lot too. Unfortunately, I haven't really discovered what those things are yet. However, I do know that as our relationship progresses, I learn bits and pieces about myself.
.
There are many men that have influenced me in my life. It is not just tied to these four fathers. In addition, my grandfather, my uncles, and my father-in-law have greatly influenced me. Each of these men has possessed a quality of my first father. He knew I would need many of them in my life. It wouldn't be until later in life that I would understand that I needed HIM first and always. To each of these men, thank you for giving me a piece of you. I hold each of you so close to my heart.
To those men who influence a child, young or old, thank you. If you are a step-dad, a biological dad, adopted dad, foster dad, or granddad; you are a very important person. You are building future leaders, husbands, and wives. Thank you for turning to your father, earthly and heavenly, for guidance. May God's wisdom, grace, and blessing be with each of you this year and many more.
With that being said, I have four fathers. First and foremost my father God. He is my number one fan. He loves me unconditionally despite all my faults. He wakes me up every morning. He allows me to experience times of hardship to draw me closer to him. He asks for me to listen to him and obey everything he tells me. I, sadly, do not always appreciate him, run to him, or even seek his advice.
Next, there is a guy who accepted me as his own, even though I wasn't. Growing up, I thought he hung the moon and stars. As I got older, I knew he had many faults. One of those faults was a sickening disease. He was an alcoholic. He drank. He was unable to keep a job. He fought with my mother. He made things hard. Despite all that, he taught me. He taught me things didn't even want to know. It takes hard work to keep things together. If you want anything, you will eventually have to work for it. The sad part was, he taught me this because of what my mother had to do because he couldn't. He also taught me that everyone makes mistakes. He suffered the rest of his life because of the choices he made when I was younger. Alcohol eventually ended up taking his life.
My third father also took me in even though I wasn't his. He taught me tough love. He taught me frustration. He taught me not to quit. Growing up with the 2nd and 3rd fathers, I had loyalty issues. I argued with the third because I thought he was unfair. I thought he loved his own children and my brothers more than he loved me. After the 2nd father passed away, I grew a little closer to the 3rd. I'm still not very close with him but I can understand where he came from and what it must have been like to have me as a step-daughter. YUCK! I apologize for a lot.
Finally, my biological father. Not knowing him for a long time and then not liking him when I did know him probably taught me a lot too. Unfortunately, I haven't really discovered what those things are yet. However, I do know that as our relationship progresses, I learn bits and pieces about myself.
.
There are many men that have influenced me in my life. It is not just tied to these four fathers. In addition, my grandfather, my uncles, and my father-in-law have greatly influenced me. Each of these men has possessed a quality of my first father. He knew I would need many of them in my life. It wouldn't be until later in life that I would understand that I needed HIM first and always. To each of these men, thank you for giving me a piece of you. I hold each of you so close to my heart.
To those men who influence a child, young or old, thank you. If you are a step-dad, a biological dad, adopted dad, foster dad, or granddad; you are a very important person. You are building future leaders, husbands, and wives. Thank you for turning to your father, earthly and heavenly, for guidance. May God's wisdom, grace, and blessing be with each of you this year and many more.
Wednesday, November 25, 2015
Being Restored on Thanksgiving
As a foster mom, I understand the holidays are a hard time for my foster and biological kiddos. However, it also reminds me how hard it is for my husband and I. Every November I go into a tailspin. It affects me deeply. Truth be told, it affects my family very deeply.
Four years ago, I had made a decision to leave my husband and take our children with me. Today, we are still together. It is nothing short of a miracle that God gave us and those children we have taken in. November always catches me off guard no matter how I try to be prepared for it. I still think what would have happened if I had followed through with it. What would have happened if my husband had not been as strong as he was? Would we have found our way back to each other? Would we have had the opportunity we have the last two years with foster care?
This morning as I began to wonder these questions, my husband and I were on the phone. He was having the same questions but had others I hadn't thought of. He also pointed out very gently that we were okay and were going to be better every year. After talking to him for a little bit, we hung up and he went back to work. I however decided I needed to shower and get my day started. In the course of getting my shower, I began to weep heavily as Christian music was playing in the background. It was then that I was reminded that I had been restored and how I use that is going to say what I have learned.
I have kept holding on, year after year, to the painful memories and have not been able to look at the good times that have sprung from that. I know that God took that awful event and has used it for good. I keep punishing myself because I feel like it was all my fault and I am not worthy to be restored. Yes, I have struggled with this for a long time but I am choosing to accept the gift God has so graciously given me, year after year and memory after memory.
For anyone that is going through a tough time like this, I understand your struggle. You are not alone and there is always someone that will understand. I don't claim to know everything, I only have my experience but there are those that are more educated that can help you. I am willing to be a listening/reading person. Feel free to message me and let me know how I can pray for you.
Have a Happy Thanksgiving and don't forget to say Thanks to the power that gave it to us!
Four years ago, I had made a decision to leave my husband and take our children with me. Today, we are still together. It is nothing short of a miracle that God gave us and those children we have taken in. November always catches me off guard no matter how I try to be prepared for it. I still think what would have happened if I had followed through with it. What would have happened if my husband had not been as strong as he was? Would we have found our way back to each other? Would we have had the opportunity we have the last two years with foster care?
This morning as I began to wonder these questions, my husband and I were on the phone. He was having the same questions but had others I hadn't thought of. He also pointed out very gently that we were okay and were going to be better every year. After talking to him for a little bit, we hung up and he went back to work. I however decided I needed to shower and get my day started. In the course of getting my shower, I began to weep heavily as Christian music was playing in the background. It was then that I was reminded that I had been restored and how I use that is going to say what I have learned.
I have kept holding on, year after year, to the painful memories and have not been able to look at the good times that have sprung from that. I know that God took that awful event and has used it for good. I keep punishing myself because I feel like it was all my fault and I am not worthy to be restored. Yes, I have struggled with this for a long time but I am choosing to accept the gift God has so graciously given me, year after year and memory after memory.
For anyone that is going through a tough time like this, I understand your struggle. You are not alone and there is always someone that will understand. I don't claim to know everything, I only have my experience but there are those that are more educated that can help you. I am willing to be a listening/reading person. Feel free to message me and let me know how I can pray for you.
Have a Happy Thanksgiving and don't forget to say Thanks to the power that gave it to us!
Wednesday, April 29, 2015
It's Different
So, nobody told me the heartache and happiness that would come with foster care. No one told me the frustrations in detail that could go along with it. Most of what was said was, it's different. Make sure you know what you are getting into. It's not bad, it's not good. It is different.
I have had to realize I am not superwoman. I can't do it alone and I can't be everywhere that I need to. Some days will be harder than others. Most will say this of any parenting relationship. Again, it's different. Yes, I have two children of my own and yes, some days are harder than others with them. However, I know how to handle their personalities because I have had 10-13 years of getting to know them.
No matter how long we've had a child, I never feel fully equipped to take care of them. My patience button gets pushed more than I would like to admit. One particular child has been with us almost 9 months. This child started out with me being aggravated on a daily basis. Then they got better. Then just as I thought I had them figured out, I realized I knew nothing about them. I became aggravated once again almost daily. It was different though. This child knew my husband and I were there for them. However, it felt like they were shutting us out and trying to purposely make us upset. Then, we bring another child in and all of a sudden, they take the "leader" role. I still don't have them figured out.
In addition to all of this, my husband and I have added a teenager into the mix. It's been different with this one too. My biological teenager is just at the beginning of the teen years. I'm going to have time to fine tune her new personality. But, when a new teenager comes in and has their own personality and way of doing things, it can be completely different. We don't always see eye to eye. I've been told I have anger issues. I yell too much. These are really hard to hear. I know they are just working through their own things but it really does make you look hard at yourself. Now, it's not all bad. Some good came out of these two situations.
One, I was finally able to admit, yes, I do have anger issues. Yes, I do need help. My anger wasn't because of children. It wasn't because of my past. It wasn't because of my husband either. I was having anxiety. This anxiety was different than what I had dealt with regarding depression. My medication wasn't working and I didn't like the way I felt. So, I went back to the doctor. I'm on new medicine now and I feel like a better person again.
Two, the love I feel from all the kids in my home and my spouse has increased greatly. I know they love me unconditionally. Each child has their own way of showing me the love and thanks they have. I love the one-on-one time with them.
Three, foster care has never been more rewarding. Foster care is opening up more windows and doors to God. One little word or action can help me see what God sees. With each new personality and each new child, I am being refined. My own children are being refined. My husband is being refined also. We are growing up and changing. We are closer somehow, yet also far apart. Each of us sees something different. My children will tell you they don't always like foster care. They don't like having their rooms disrupted or their time with daddy and I taken away. It's not always easy. We work through it like most families, one day at a time.
Even though foster care can be different with each new child, I know one thing remains the same. God is a constant in our home. The littlest child now prays before every meal and snack. He makes sure to remind all the older siblings. The two teenagers talk about Him more and how to deal with changes. The oldest boy is beginning to see why we do foster care. I catch little glimpses of him growing up and having more of a heart for God. My husband studies the Bible more too. Our home has been different. It's not bad, it's not perfect, it's just different. I am learning to love different.
I have had to realize I am not superwoman. I can't do it alone and I can't be everywhere that I need to. Some days will be harder than others. Most will say this of any parenting relationship. Again, it's different. Yes, I have two children of my own and yes, some days are harder than others with them. However, I know how to handle their personalities because I have had 10-13 years of getting to know them.
No matter how long we've had a child, I never feel fully equipped to take care of them. My patience button gets pushed more than I would like to admit. One particular child has been with us almost 9 months. This child started out with me being aggravated on a daily basis. Then they got better. Then just as I thought I had them figured out, I realized I knew nothing about them. I became aggravated once again almost daily. It was different though. This child knew my husband and I were there for them. However, it felt like they were shutting us out and trying to purposely make us upset. Then, we bring another child in and all of a sudden, they take the "leader" role. I still don't have them figured out.
In addition to all of this, my husband and I have added a teenager into the mix. It's been different with this one too. My biological teenager is just at the beginning of the teen years. I'm going to have time to fine tune her new personality. But, when a new teenager comes in and has their own personality and way of doing things, it can be completely different. We don't always see eye to eye. I've been told I have anger issues. I yell too much. These are really hard to hear. I know they are just working through their own things but it really does make you look hard at yourself. Now, it's not all bad. Some good came out of these two situations.
One, I was finally able to admit, yes, I do have anger issues. Yes, I do need help. My anger wasn't because of children. It wasn't because of my past. It wasn't because of my husband either. I was having anxiety. This anxiety was different than what I had dealt with regarding depression. My medication wasn't working and I didn't like the way I felt. So, I went back to the doctor. I'm on new medicine now and I feel like a better person again.
Two, the love I feel from all the kids in my home and my spouse has increased greatly. I know they love me unconditionally. Each child has their own way of showing me the love and thanks they have. I love the one-on-one time with them.
Three, foster care has never been more rewarding. Foster care is opening up more windows and doors to God. One little word or action can help me see what God sees. With each new personality and each new child, I am being refined. My own children are being refined. My husband is being refined also. We are growing up and changing. We are closer somehow, yet also far apart. Each of us sees something different. My children will tell you they don't always like foster care. They don't like having their rooms disrupted or their time with daddy and I taken away. It's not always easy. We work through it like most families, one day at a time.
Even though foster care can be different with each new child, I know one thing remains the same. God is a constant in our home. The littlest child now prays before every meal and snack. He makes sure to remind all the older siblings. The two teenagers talk about Him more and how to deal with changes. The oldest boy is beginning to see why we do foster care. I catch little glimpses of him growing up and having more of a heart for God. My husband studies the Bible more too. Our home has been different. It's not bad, it's not perfect, it's just different. I am learning to love different.
Friday, October 10, 2014
One Year Anniversary
October 25, 2014 will be one year since my family has ventured into foster care in the state of Kansas. In that time, NINE children have come into our home!! This means God has used us to either introduce or reintroduce His name to them. Each of these children has been shown or taught of God's mercy.
As I look back over the last year, we have changed and grown as a family! I went from feeling like I had entered into a world of elation, to feeling like I just barely survive some days. However, I also know that this is the road our family was meant to go down. As I think about each child that has come and gone, I wonder if I have done enough. Then I have to think again of God's love and admit that I couldn't do it all. It's not my path to save or adopt every child that needs somebody. I can only do what He allows me to do.
My husband has come to learn a few things about himself as well. He has changed again as we entered into the foster care world and with each child he has learned something new. He even reached out to one of our foster children and offered for him to call him anytime after he went home. That particular child has since gone home and has checked in with us a few times. It's so great to know he is doing well.
Our children have changed also. Our daughter has had to learn what it means to be a true sister and share her room with another girl. It is nothing short of a miracle that she and I both survived! Our son has also had to learn what it means to have a "big brother". It means, that no matter how hard you try, the older one always needs some alone time. Sometimes, little brothers don't always get to play what they want when they want. Each child has also learned that the world is not perfect. Sometimes, things happen to people and we don't know why.
I wouldn't change the last year for a year of calm. Even though we have been busy with several different children's activities and finding time for ourselves, God has seen me through each new thing. I have witnessed children that have lived through severe neglect and horrible physical abuse. Some of them have suffered great things no one should ever have to see or go through. Two girls have touched my heart. They are strong and don't even know how strong they are. I pray for them as they enter my mind.
Foster care is a hard thing to do. No one said it would be easy. As a matter of fact, I was told in the beginning it would be hard and that person wasn't sure I was cut out for it. I would have to say, I agree with them. It's not easy and some days I wonder myself if I am cut out for it. BUT, then I remind myself, the benefits are much more heavenly. I need to be outside of myself to do this. For it is ONLY with Christ's love and help that we make it through things we don't normally see ourselves doing.
"May the Lord direct your hearts to God's love and Christ's endurance." 2 Thessalonians 3:5
As I look back over the last year, we have changed and grown as a family! I went from feeling like I had entered into a world of elation, to feeling like I just barely survive some days. However, I also know that this is the road our family was meant to go down. As I think about each child that has come and gone, I wonder if I have done enough. Then I have to think again of God's love and admit that I couldn't do it all. It's not my path to save or adopt every child that needs somebody. I can only do what He allows me to do.
My husband has come to learn a few things about himself as well. He has changed again as we entered into the foster care world and with each child he has learned something new. He even reached out to one of our foster children and offered for him to call him anytime after he went home. That particular child has since gone home and has checked in with us a few times. It's so great to know he is doing well.
Our children have changed also. Our daughter has had to learn what it means to be a true sister and share her room with another girl. It is nothing short of a miracle that she and I both survived! Our son has also had to learn what it means to have a "big brother". It means, that no matter how hard you try, the older one always needs some alone time. Sometimes, little brothers don't always get to play what they want when they want. Each child has also learned that the world is not perfect. Sometimes, things happen to people and we don't know why.
I wouldn't change the last year for a year of calm. Even though we have been busy with several different children's activities and finding time for ourselves, God has seen me through each new thing. I have witnessed children that have lived through severe neglect and horrible physical abuse. Some of them have suffered great things no one should ever have to see or go through. Two girls have touched my heart. They are strong and don't even know how strong they are. I pray for them as they enter my mind.
Foster care is a hard thing to do. No one said it would be easy. As a matter of fact, I was told in the beginning it would be hard and that person wasn't sure I was cut out for it. I would have to say, I agree with them. It's not easy and some days I wonder myself if I am cut out for it. BUT, then I remind myself, the benefits are much more heavenly. I need to be outside of myself to do this. For it is ONLY with Christ's love and help that we make it through things we don't normally see ourselves doing.
"May the Lord direct your hearts to God's love and Christ's endurance." 2 Thessalonians 3:5
Thursday, April 10, 2014
More Children and More Ramblings
So, it's been a few months since I've written my thoughts down. Please bear with me as I try to bring my thoughts together.
The first 1/3 of the year has brought more changes for our family. January and February seemed to have gone by without any issues. Rick and I even began to wonder if we should think about bringing in another foster child. It seemed our daughter had a good "playmate" but our son seemed to be left out. We began to pray about what would be the best thing to do.
God didn't take much time to answer this prayer. On March 4, while I was on the phone figuring some bills out, my husband called on the other line to inform me he was at the doctor's office with chest pains. He stated in addition to his pain, he arm hurt as well. While he was at the office, I received a call from our foster daughter's caseworker. She stated that she had a child that needed a home. This child had been staying only 1 night in homes for the last week. My heart broke but I still wasn't sure what we needed to do. I asked several questions regarding this child. I was told the child was good but had had physical and verbal aggression in his past. I felt my heart drop. This was the one thing Rick & I said we would not deal with. I began to text Rick and ask him what he felt was right. Because we hadn't actually gotten a no immediately, Rick informed me to say yes. I called the caseworker back and informed them we would give it a trial week and provided nothing happened that would harm us, our children, or anyone else around us, we would make it as permanent as needed..
Our foster son showed up on our doorstep at 9:00 pm the very same day! He was enrolled in school the next day and due to transportation issues, began on Friday. He went to school for a week and then got a BIG break (Spring break). With a minor bump in the road, he has been very good! I even have the opportunity to speak with his mom! God is blessing our family with great opportunities to give HIS message.
In addition to all of this, Rick & I have just celebrated our thirteenth wedding anniversary! It seems crazy to think that a short two years ago that we renewed our wedding vows. Since that time, God has blessed our marriage beyond measure! Yes, we have had to move. Without that though, we wouldn't have decided that we need to begin to pay down our debt and not borrow anymore. To that effect, we paid cash for a van that would fit our growing family! We almost have several bills and a few loans paid off. I have been blessed to have a daycare in my home that is continuing to thrive at this time. The families that come here mean so much to me! I feel the love that each one brings into my home! Rick has also received a few awards at work and has finished his managers training!! That was 18 months of training and then nationally recognized within his company!! I am so proud of him!
I've been talking to our foster children about their circumstances and why it has been allowed to happen. I firmly think that sometimes, in order to get our attention, God will allow bad circumstances to happen. I know for me, I've had to lean heavily on Christ and His teachings to get me through some of the worst things I've gone through! I also find that I'm closer to Him during these times. That being said, one of the children said they've gone through this because they are learning how to behave appropriately and feels they are part of a family that cares. The other child stated just this evening that they feel closer to their family now. They didn't realize how much they would miss their family until they had been taken away.
For me, I'm learning how to appreciate the small things in life. It is also changing how I respond to people. I know in the past, I had so much anger and many issues dealing with it. Many days, I wonder how I dealt with things in the past. How did I come off to people? I don't remember always being nice but I also remember holding a lot in. Did others think I was a lost person? How do those that I grew up with remember me?
Thankfully, I don't have to worry about the past. With Jesus Christ as my Savior, I am forgiven and accepted! My past doesn't control me. I see it as part of who I am and use it to help better myself for the future!! I AM LOVED! I am made in Christ's image and HE is what I strive to become like. I will never make it and for that God sent His son!! What a great opportunity to share this with those I come into contact with, whether it be through childcare, family, church, or foster care!! Thank you Jesus for giving me these opportunities!
The first 1/3 of the year has brought more changes for our family. January and February seemed to have gone by without any issues. Rick and I even began to wonder if we should think about bringing in another foster child. It seemed our daughter had a good "playmate" but our son seemed to be left out. We began to pray about what would be the best thing to do.
God didn't take much time to answer this prayer. On March 4, while I was on the phone figuring some bills out, my husband called on the other line to inform me he was at the doctor's office with chest pains. He stated in addition to his pain, he arm hurt as well. While he was at the office, I received a call from our foster daughter's caseworker. She stated that she had a child that needed a home. This child had been staying only 1 night in homes for the last week. My heart broke but I still wasn't sure what we needed to do. I asked several questions regarding this child. I was told the child was good but had had physical and verbal aggression in his past. I felt my heart drop. This was the one thing Rick & I said we would not deal with. I began to text Rick and ask him what he felt was right. Because we hadn't actually gotten a no immediately, Rick informed me to say yes. I called the caseworker back and informed them we would give it a trial week and provided nothing happened that would harm us, our children, or anyone else around us, we would make it as permanent as needed..
Our foster son showed up on our doorstep at 9:00 pm the very same day! He was enrolled in school the next day and due to transportation issues, began on Friday. He went to school for a week and then got a BIG break (Spring break). With a minor bump in the road, he has been very good! I even have the opportunity to speak with his mom! God is blessing our family with great opportunities to give HIS message.
In addition to all of this, Rick & I have just celebrated our thirteenth wedding anniversary! It seems crazy to think that a short two years ago that we renewed our wedding vows. Since that time, God has blessed our marriage beyond measure! Yes, we have had to move. Without that though, we wouldn't have decided that we need to begin to pay down our debt and not borrow anymore. To that effect, we paid cash for a van that would fit our growing family! We almost have several bills and a few loans paid off. I have been blessed to have a daycare in my home that is continuing to thrive at this time. The families that come here mean so much to me! I feel the love that each one brings into my home! Rick has also received a few awards at work and has finished his managers training!! That was 18 months of training and then nationally recognized within his company!! I am so proud of him!
I've been talking to our foster children about their circumstances and why it has been allowed to happen. I firmly think that sometimes, in order to get our attention, God will allow bad circumstances to happen. I know for me, I've had to lean heavily on Christ and His teachings to get me through some of the worst things I've gone through! I also find that I'm closer to Him during these times. That being said, one of the children said they've gone through this because they are learning how to behave appropriately and feels they are part of a family that cares. The other child stated just this evening that they feel closer to their family now. They didn't realize how much they would miss their family until they had been taken away.
For me, I'm learning how to appreciate the small things in life. It is also changing how I respond to people. I know in the past, I had so much anger and many issues dealing with it. Many days, I wonder how I dealt with things in the past. How did I come off to people? I don't remember always being nice but I also remember holding a lot in. Did others think I was a lost person? How do those that I grew up with remember me?
Thankfully, I don't have to worry about the past. With Jesus Christ as my Savior, I am forgiven and accepted! My past doesn't control me. I see it as part of who I am and use it to help better myself for the future!! I AM LOVED! I am made in Christ's image and HE is what I strive to become like. I will never make it and for that God sent His son!! What a great opportunity to share this with those I come into contact with, whether it be through childcare, family, church, or foster care!! Thank you Jesus for giving me these opportunities!
Monday, January 20, 2014
RAD
RAD--Not an abbreviation I was familiar with a few months ago. It's not something that can be cured with medication. It's not something that will ever truly go away. It is however something that can affect everyone and everything around you. Reactive Attachment Disorder. The clinical definition is:
a condition found in children who have received grossly negligent care and do not form a healthy emotional attachment with their primary caregivers -- usually their mothers -- before age 5.
There are two types of RAD. Inhibited and Disinhibited. I believe I am getting very versed in the first. Now as we began looking into foster care and adoption, I began to hear this term a lot. I even did a very minimal research into it. I decided at that point, it couldn't happen to us. We were not going to have that in a child we were going to consider. Well, as you know, God likes to see your face when He says this is what you are going to do. Yes, I admit, I'm a stubborn child. I stomp my feet, kick & cry, and down right ignore what he says.
God changes your heart as you go through certain circumstances. I truly believe now this child was placed in our home so we could help her overcome her past, see what a relationship with a parent looks like. This Saturday (Jan 25) she has been with us for 3 months. The first month was an adjustment period. The second month was a rebellion month. Both months have taught me something new. I can only say that as I look back and not as I was going through it. In our child, RAD looks something like this: Temper tantrums in an almost 13 year old. Crying for no reason other than to get attention. Hiding food and disobeying at any given time. Running away because of anger. "Threatening" suicide. Arguing with siblings and parents because it made sense at the time. During all these situations the stated child is unable to be consoled, reasoned with, or talked to.
Imagine if you will, your child that has been with you since birth. You have given that child all the love and attention they needed. There are no other psychological issues. Your child has grown up with a core belief of what is right and wrong. The child has gone from infant to toddler to preteen with minimal out-of-the ordinary tantrums. Now imagine a child that has been left to fend for themselves. They have not been taught "common sense" items. They don't understand what it is to be told no but still be loved. They don't understand that when they have a tantrum you will still love them but will give them discipline and guidance to help them grow into a healthy adult. So instead, this same child continues to throw "fits" even though they desperately may want nothing more than your love and devotion. All the while, they are pushing your further away because that is what they have come to learn. It doesn't matter how much they say they love me because when I'm bad, they will get rid of me and stop loving me. There is no healthy relationship because somewhere in their past, they were neglected or weren't able to have a loving, healthy emotional attachment to a primary caregiver.
Not every child in foster care has RAD. As a matter of fact, only a select few actually have it. However it does seem more prevalent in the foster care system. As I read an article on http://cswr.columbia.edu/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/2012_vol3_pg63_balasingham-1.pdf, I saw that only 1% of children under age five are diagnosed with reactive attachment disorder. It goes on to say that about 40% of children in foster care and 50% of children adopted from orphanages have this disorder. To me, this is an astounding number! If all 3 of my children were adopted from an orphanage, at least 1 1/2 would have a form of RAD. Does that even seem right?!?
As I contemplate these numbers, I find myself questioning many things. Why? Why do these children have to suffer so much. Why does my heart hurt so badly for them? What? What is God placing on my heart to do? What will happen to the future of our children if the number of foster care children increases? If RAD compromises a child's ability to have a healthy relationship with anyone, will this also increase other rates like divorces? Think about it, if you can't have a good, strong, emotionally healthy relationship with a parent, how would you be able to have one with a mate? What would you teach your children if you had them?
Now let's look at what the child is possibly thinking. Why doesn't anyone love me? I know they don't love me because they are not meeting my needs. This person doesn't feed me. They don't give me the physical attention I need. They can't communicate with me. I don't want to talk to them. I know they like me but I can't be good all the time. I'm easily frustrated and I don't know how to deal with it. That's ok, I'll just hit or scream at whoever makes me frustrated or angry.
Maybe this is why God has called me to this foster care thing. He is opening my eyes to what He sees. Having two children of my own whom I love with a deep passion and have always tried to give them what they need, I couldn't imagine much outside of this. Isn't this how life is supposed to be? Every mother feels this way, right? Unfortunately, I know one child that didn't feel that way. It has been a difficult yet rewarding few months. My husband's family has seen the effect it has had on me and my children. My husband and I have been so frustrated and out of control, we have had to call in many reinforcements to help us. Yes, this child has yelled at us. She has cussed at us. She has decided to run away. There was even a time with this child hurt my son. (Side note: Later found out, my children may have egged them on a little ;-}) This particular child also was gone from us for a week because of some actions and a few threatening words. My heart hurts to think this child hadn't been loved when they were little and finds it very difficult to make a healthy emotional attachment.
Now, all this is said with a few things in mind. Things are changing folks! With more security, the attachments being made in this home are truly coming along. The girls are making very small baby steps towards becoming sisters, fighting and all. All three children can play together on a good day for 30 minutes or so. The temper tantrums are becoming less and less. God is making His presence known more and more. Each of us is still truly adjusting. I know it is a long road ahead of us. I am encouraged though as I hear from others outside of the family, such as case managers and therapists, that say they have seen our family change in many ways. They also say, knowing this child for several years, they haven't seen her have as big of an attachment to a family as she does with us! Many who know her have also said she seems happier and more relaxed. This my dear friends is nothing short of a miracle. God knows what he's doing, even if you think He's wrong.
I ask, dear friends and readers, to be in constant prayer. Pray for us as a family. Pray for our children. Pray for open eyes. But I leave you with one last request. Please take God's word to heart when it comes to any kind of relationship. John 15:9-17 :9 Just as the Father has loved Me, I have also loved you; abide in My love. 10 If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love; just as I have kept My Father’s commandments and abide in His love. 11 These things I have spoken to you so that My joy may be in you, and that your joy may be made full. 12 “This is My commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you. 13 Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends. 14 You are My friends if you do what I command you. 15 No longer do I call you slaves, for the slave does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I have heard from My Father I have made known to you. 16 You did not choose Me but I chose you, and appointed you that you would go and bear fruit, and that your fruit would remain, so that whatever you ask of the Father in My name He may give to you. 17 This I command you, that you love one another.
Love as it was commanded. Hug and kiss your little ones. Tell your spouse you love them. Spend time with friends and ask them how they really are. Listen and love with all the might of God. Please know that I will pray whoever reads this will have a lasting relationship with Jesus Christ, our beloved brother, so that we can have an everlasting relationship with our heavenly father!
a condition found in children who have received grossly negligent care and do not form a healthy emotional attachment with their primary caregivers -- usually their mothers -- before age 5.
There are two types of RAD. Inhibited and Disinhibited. I believe I am getting very versed in the first. Now as we began looking into foster care and adoption, I began to hear this term a lot. I even did a very minimal research into it. I decided at that point, it couldn't happen to us. We were not going to have that in a child we were going to consider. Well, as you know, God likes to see your face when He says this is what you are going to do. Yes, I admit, I'm a stubborn child. I stomp my feet, kick & cry, and down right ignore what he says.
God changes your heart as you go through certain circumstances. I truly believe now this child was placed in our home so we could help her overcome her past, see what a relationship with a parent looks like. This Saturday (Jan 25) she has been with us for 3 months. The first month was an adjustment period. The second month was a rebellion month. Both months have taught me something new. I can only say that as I look back and not as I was going through it. In our child, RAD looks something like this: Temper tantrums in an almost 13 year old. Crying for no reason other than to get attention. Hiding food and disobeying at any given time. Running away because of anger. "Threatening" suicide. Arguing with siblings and parents because it made sense at the time. During all these situations the stated child is unable to be consoled, reasoned with, or talked to.
Imagine if you will, your child that has been with you since birth. You have given that child all the love and attention they needed. There are no other psychological issues. Your child has grown up with a core belief of what is right and wrong. The child has gone from infant to toddler to preteen with minimal out-of-the ordinary tantrums. Now imagine a child that has been left to fend for themselves. They have not been taught "common sense" items. They don't understand what it is to be told no but still be loved. They don't understand that when they have a tantrum you will still love them but will give them discipline and guidance to help them grow into a healthy adult. So instead, this same child continues to throw "fits" even though they desperately may want nothing more than your love and devotion. All the while, they are pushing your further away because that is what they have come to learn. It doesn't matter how much they say they love me because when I'm bad, they will get rid of me and stop loving me. There is no healthy relationship because somewhere in their past, they were neglected or weren't able to have a loving, healthy emotional attachment to a primary caregiver.
Not every child in foster care has RAD. As a matter of fact, only a select few actually have it. However it does seem more prevalent in the foster care system. As I read an article on http://cswr.columbia.edu/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/2012_vol3_pg63_balasingham-1.pdf, I saw that only 1% of children under age five are diagnosed with reactive attachment disorder. It goes on to say that about 40% of children in foster care and 50% of children adopted from orphanages have this disorder. To me, this is an astounding number! If all 3 of my children were adopted from an orphanage, at least 1 1/2 would have a form of RAD. Does that even seem right?!?
As I contemplate these numbers, I find myself questioning many things. Why? Why do these children have to suffer so much. Why does my heart hurt so badly for them? What? What is God placing on my heart to do? What will happen to the future of our children if the number of foster care children increases? If RAD compromises a child's ability to have a healthy relationship with anyone, will this also increase other rates like divorces? Think about it, if you can't have a good, strong, emotionally healthy relationship with a parent, how would you be able to have one with a mate? What would you teach your children if you had them?
Now let's look at what the child is possibly thinking. Why doesn't anyone love me? I know they don't love me because they are not meeting my needs. This person doesn't feed me. They don't give me the physical attention I need. They can't communicate with me. I don't want to talk to them. I know they like me but I can't be good all the time. I'm easily frustrated and I don't know how to deal with it. That's ok, I'll just hit or scream at whoever makes me frustrated or angry.
Maybe this is why God has called me to this foster care thing. He is opening my eyes to what He sees. Having two children of my own whom I love with a deep passion and have always tried to give them what they need, I couldn't imagine much outside of this. Isn't this how life is supposed to be? Every mother feels this way, right? Unfortunately, I know one child that didn't feel that way. It has been a difficult yet rewarding few months. My husband's family has seen the effect it has had on me and my children. My husband and I have been so frustrated and out of control, we have had to call in many reinforcements to help us. Yes, this child has yelled at us. She has cussed at us. She has decided to run away. There was even a time with this child hurt my son. (Side note: Later found out, my children may have egged them on a little ;-}) This particular child also was gone from us for a week because of some actions and a few threatening words. My heart hurts to think this child hadn't been loved when they were little and finds it very difficult to make a healthy emotional attachment.
Now, all this is said with a few things in mind. Things are changing folks! With more security, the attachments being made in this home are truly coming along. The girls are making very small baby steps towards becoming sisters, fighting and all. All three children can play together on a good day for 30 minutes or so. The temper tantrums are becoming less and less. God is making His presence known more and more. Each of us is still truly adjusting. I know it is a long road ahead of us. I am encouraged though as I hear from others outside of the family, such as case managers and therapists, that say they have seen our family change in many ways. They also say, knowing this child for several years, they haven't seen her have as big of an attachment to a family as she does with us! Many who know her have also said she seems happier and more relaxed. This my dear friends is nothing short of a miracle. God knows what he's doing, even if you think He's wrong.
I ask, dear friends and readers, to be in constant prayer. Pray for us as a family. Pray for our children. Pray for open eyes. But I leave you with one last request. Please take God's word to heart when it comes to any kind of relationship. John 15:9-17 :9 Just as the Father has loved Me, I have also loved you; abide in My love. 10 If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love; just as I have kept My Father’s commandments and abide in His love. 11 These things I have spoken to you so that My joy may be in you, and that your joy may be made full. 12 “This is My commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you. 13 Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends. 14 You are My friends if you do what I command you. 15 No longer do I call you slaves, for the slave does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I have heard from My Father I have made known to you. 16 You did not choose Me but I chose you, and appointed you that you would go and bear fruit, and that your fruit would remain, so that whatever you ask of the Father in My name He may give to you. 17 This I command you, that you love one another.
Love as it was commanded. Hug and kiss your little ones. Tell your spouse you love them. Spend time with friends and ask them how they really are. Listen and love with all the might of God. Please know that I will pray whoever reads this will have a lasting relationship with Jesus Christ, our beloved brother, so that we can have an everlasting relationship with our heavenly father!
Friday, December 27, 2013
Family
Family....
The best thing and the most frustrating thing! Those that read this and truly know me will know how this is true for me. After Rick & I went through our marriage issues, I'm having to branch out to my family. This is the only way I will change and continue to get closer to Christ.
Those that don't know me and only know what I write might be wondering what in the world I'm talking about. So a very short history of my family. I am the 3rd oldest of many children (combined family). There is Clint, Jeremy, me, Jackie, Kyle, Ryan, Joe, Kipp, and Jamie. I haven't always talked to each of them and I still don't talk to a few of them. I wish I could say I was closer to all of them. Some of it is because I was a very selfish person. Some of it is because they were/are selfish too. We all have our faults and we all have our good points. Growing up with such a combined/blended family was very difficult.
However, I am slowly realizing I'm needing to contact each one of them and tell them sorry in some way or another. As I raise my children, things and priorities are changing. I tell them, "it doesn't matter who does what, if you do something wrong (even on accident) you need to apologize." How are they going to learn to repent and change if I don't. Who teaches them? Me or the world. I guarantee the world won't teach them the Christian way. It is my duty as their mother. To that, who will teach them to forgive if I don't?
I have been very blessed to be married to a man that has a big close family. They are teaching me in many ways what it is to love so completely and deeply. Coming from a lot of stress and heartache, I love this! I only hope that God will allow me to show each of my siblings how much I love them. If He has other plans, I only pray then that I will have the foresight to lean on him and not throw a temper-tantrum.
Christmas is a time for hope. It is a time to reflect. God sent his son. He came down from heaven to a manger. That is how much he loved us. He wants a relationship with us. He wants us to have a relationship with others in His name! Because I want to have a closer relationship with HIM, I will strive to have a closer relationship with my family. I know it won't be easy but with Christ, I have all the hope I will need.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
The best thing and the most frustrating thing! Those that read this and truly know me will know how this is true for me. After Rick & I went through our marriage issues, I'm having to branch out to my family. This is the only way I will change and continue to get closer to Christ.
Those that don't know me and only know what I write might be wondering what in the world I'm talking about. So a very short history of my family. I am the 3rd oldest of many children (combined family). There is Clint, Jeremy, me, Jackie, Kyle, Ryan, Joe, Kipp, and Jamie. I haven't always talked to each of them and I still don't talk to a few of them. I wish I could say I was closer to all of them. Some of it is because I was a very selfish person. Some of it is because they were/are selfish too. We all have our faults and we all have our good points. Growing up with such a combined/blended family was very difficult.
However, I am slowly realizing I'm needing to contact each one of them and tell them sorry in some way or another. As I raise my children, things and priorities are changing. I tell them, "it doesn't matter who does what, if you do something wrong (even on accident) you need to apologize." How are they going to learn to repent and change if I don't. Who teaches them? Me or the world. I guarantee the world won't teach them the Christian way. It is my duty as their mother. To that, who will teach them to forgive if I don't?
I have been very blessed to be married to a man that has a big close family. They are teaching me in many ways what it is to love so completely and deeply. Coming from a lot of stress and heartache, I love this! I only hope that God will allow me to show each of my siblings how much I love them. If He has other plans, I only pray then that I will have the foresight to lean on him and not throw a temper-tantrum.
Christmas is a time for hope. It is a time to reflect. God sent his son. He came down from heaven to a manger. That is how much he loved us. He wants a relationship with us. He wants us to have a relationship with others in His name! Because I want to have a closer relationship with HIM, I will strive to have a closer relationship with my family. I know it won't be easy but with Christ, I have all the hope I will need.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Changing, Stretching
I don't know where to start. Things here the last few months have just been crazy like I suspected they would be. Football, baseball, volleyball. These are the sports my children participated in for September and October. As a mom, I say my children did a GREAT job at their sports.
If you give God your life, fully expect him to take over every aspect of it. I have personally seen God move mountains when he wants them moved. When Rick and I went through our marriage problems and we told God to take over I never expected him to move and change us the way He has. One thing you must know, a contention in our marriage was foster care and adoption. Rick said from the very beginning that our next child would be brought to us and someone would be looking for us. Honestly, I didn't think this would happen. So when we were approved for respite care I thought that was the end of it. I had no clue my life and the life of my family would be changed quite rapidly after that.
On October 7, Rick received a phone call from one of the pastors at our church. Mind you, this was a Monday and Rick was off work. I was out for a walk with the daycare kiddos. He was asking if we would be interested in foster care for a young girl. Without consulting me, Rick said yes. He told me as soon as I got home what had happened. I asked several questions but he didn't know the answers as he hadn't asked. Several days passed before we would hear anymore about this child. On Friday of that week, we had several calls between myself, the child's caseworker, a teacher, and the place this child was staying. It was set. We, as a family, would meet with this child on Monday, October 14 for a "pre-placement" visit. That Monday, I received a call from the "facility" saying this child had poison ivy and was quarantined for 24 hours. So we made plans for the next day. Due to conflicting schedules, Rick had to meet with this girl before the rest of us. He called me and said we would love her. She was shy and would take a while to warm up to us. Later that evening, the kids and I went and met this girl. She did take quite a while to warm up to us but once she did, she talked nonstop.
Friday, October 18th at 6:00 pm, we brought "L" home to our family for a weekend. With no major episodes, we enjoyed the weekend. We went to church, came home and prepared to take her back to her placement. Let me just tell you, that was the hardest thing in the world to do. Rick & Zech stayed home while Amber and I took L back. As we said our goodbyes I had this overwhelming feeling it wasn't right. L cried and wasn't ready to go back. We could hear her behind a door getting upset. She was crying because we had given her something and she wasn't allowed to take it to her room until it had been approved by the supervisor on duty. The supervisor wasn't available as she had been called into another meeting as we arrived. After her therapist got her calmed down, Amber & I left. Upon leaving, both of us made it to the car and just broke down. I hated leaving her knowing she was upset.
I spoke with the therapist the day after. All of us had returned to somewhat normal. Rick & I decided this child would be good for us to do foster care for. On October 25, 2013 L came to stay with us. For three weeks now, we have added a 12 year old girl into our family. We have had good days and bad days. Fortunately, the good have outnumbered the bad. We are all still adjusting to our different family dynamics. I won't say this has been an easy road. I sometimes feel like I'm crazy for doing this. I also have felt like I couldn't do it another day or hour.
Rick & I have talked about whether or not we are doing the right thing. Is this right for our children? Is this right for L? Is it right for us? Where do we draw the line? How do you adjust to having a third child? How do we continue to take care of our family and not leave someone out? All of our conclusions have come back to the same answer. We keep persevering towards what God is leading us into. We have prayed about it. We have talked to Amber & Zech about it. God is stretching us. He is changing us. We are growing closer as a family. I don't know if this will lead to adoption or not. I do know that I will listen to God. I will stand in my faith that He is in control. I will praise him during the storm, thank him when I get a rainbow and sing glory to his name when I can. Not only is God changing my life and my family's life, He's changing hers too!
This Thanksgiving season, take a few seconds everyday to thank God for all you have. If you are going through a storm, know God is just stretching you. He is close. He holds you in His hands. If you are seeing a rainbow, praise Him for the insight you have gained. On Thanksgiving Day, sing glory to God. He has you here for a reason. Take the time to thank him for it!
If you give God your life, fully expect him to take over every aspect of it. I have personally seen God move mountains when he wants them moved. When Rick and I went through our marriage problems and we told God to take over I never expected him to move and change us the way He has. One thing you must know, a contention in our marriage was foster care and adoption. Rick said from the very beginning that our next child would be brought to us and someone would be looking for us. Honestly, I didn't think this would happen. So when we were approved for respite care I thought that was the end of it. I had no clue my life and the life of my family would be changed quite rapidly after that.
On October 7, Rick received a phone call from one of the pastors at our church. Mind you, this was a Monday and Rick was off work. I was out for a walk with the daycare kiddos. He was asking if we would be interested in foster care for a young girl. Without consulting me, Rick said yes. He told me as soon as I got home what had happened. I asked several questions but he didn't know the answers as he hadn't asked. Several days passed before we would hear anymore about this child. On Friday of that week, we had several calls between myself, the child's caseworker, a teacher, and the place this child was staying. It was set. We, as a family, would meet with this child on Monday, October 14 for a "pre-placement" visit. That Monday, I received a call from the "facility" saying this child had poison ivy and was quarantined for 24 hours. So we made plans for the next day. Due to conflicting schedules, Rick had to meet with this girl before the rest of us. He called me and said we would love her. She was shy and would take a while to warm up to us. Later that evening, the kids and I went and met this girl. She did take quite a while to warm up to us but once she did, she talked nonstop.
Friday, October 18th at 6:00 pm, we brought "L" home to our family for a weekend. With no major episodes, we enjoyed the weekend. We went to church, came home and prepared to take her back to her placement. Let me just tell you, that was the hardest thing in the world to do. Rick & Zech stayed home while Amber and I took L back. As we said our goodbyes I had this overwhelming feeling it wasn't right. L cried and wasn't ready to go back. We could hear her behind a door getting upset. She was crying because we had given her something and she wasn't allowed to take it to her room until it had been approved by the supervisor on duty. The supervisor wasn't available as she had been called into another meeting as we arrived. After her therapist got her calmed down, Amber & I left. Upon leaving, both of us made it to the car and just broke down. I hated leaving her knowing she was upset.
I spoke with the therapist the day after. All of us had returned to somewhat normal. Rick & I decided this child would be good for us to do foster care for. On October 25, 2013 L came to stay with us. For three weeks now, we have added a 12 year old girl into our family. We have had good days and bad days. Fortunately, the good have outnumbered the bad. We are all still adjusting to our different family dynamics. I won't say this has been an easy road. I sometimes feel like I'm crazy for doing this. I also have felt like I couldn't do it another day or hour.
Rick & I have talked about whether or not we are doing the right thing. Is this right for our children? Is this right for L? Is it right for us? Where do we draw the line? How do you adjust to having a third child? How do we continue to take care of our family and not leave someone out? All of our conclusions have come back to the same answer. We keep persevering towards what God is leading us into. We have prayed about it. We have talked to Amber & Zech about it. God is stretching us. He is changing us. We are growing closer as a family. I don't know if this will lead to adoption or not. I do know that I will listen to God. I will stand in my faith that He is in control. I will praise him during the storm, thank him when I get a rainbow and sing glory to his name when I can. Not only is God changing my life and my family's life, He's changing hers too!
This Thanksgiving season, take a few seconds everyday to thank God for all you have. If you are going through a storm, know God is just stretching you. He is close. He holds you in His hands. If you are seeing a rainbow, praise Him for the insight you have gained. On Thanksgiving Day, sing glory to God. He has you here for a reason. Take the time to thank him for it!
Friday, August 30, 2013
July/August...Into September We Go...
Goodness. That is all I can say. It has been a very fast-paced couple of months. It seems like it was just a day or two ago that my son's ball team was winning the tournament completely undefeated. Amber went to camp and back. She completed summer volleyball and loved it!
We spent most of July with family. Of course, between the 4th of July and our vacation it was hard not too. Rick & Amber spent their traditional evening at home on the 4th while Zechariah and I went to the lake for fireworks. This has become a tradition since Amber was young. She doesn't like hearing the fireworks if they are loud. However, I think secretly, she just likes her alone time with her daddy! Zech has always loved the fireworks (typical boy) and would set them off for a week if I would let him. So, we go to the lake with Rick's family and have a great time.
The middle of July was also full of adventure. We all got to experience an Amtrak train for the first time. While the joy of that ride never fully left, it was so cold at night, we cuddled up as much as we could so we could share blankets. The ride to Chicago was good but the ride to DC was even better. Both of the kids met some others their age and they all played Uno in the dining/observation car. While Amber would rather have listened to her music, Zech was all about the little girl he met and staying with her. It was so comical. They even called each other for a few weeks after our trip to talk. Yes, my son did get her digits.
We all had so much fun on our vacation. Going to DC was great but the food at Legal Seafood was even better! Then Rick had a blast visiting Gettysburg and taking the bus tour! His eyes light up so much when it concerns anything history. I probably would never say this to him but even I enjoyed seeing it. Our best adventure though came from Zechariah.
As a mom, you never expect to see your son running then rolling down a hill while in the mountains. This is exactly what happened though. Zech and his Uncle AJ went for a little walk up a hill in the mountains. Shenandoah National Park is also home to bears. Needless to say, my son thought he saw and heard one. The biggest rule is to never RUN from a bear. Apparently, Zech doesn't listen to this. As he went a little further in, he heard the sound again and then they thought they heard a twig snap. This was enough for my son. All I heard was him screaming. I looked up just in time to see him running down the hill, trip over something and start rolling for the edge and boulder that was in his way. Thankfully, I ran out of the van and his uncle is WAY faster than I am. Uncle AJ saved the day by running up behind Zech, picking him up after a couple of tumbles and safely brought him to me. Zech came out with minor bumps and bruises. Praise God he didn't have any broken bones or a concussion. All-in-all, I think our vacation was good but I am definitely looking forward to going back to Colorado next year!
Of course, as soon as we got home, we had to start thinking about going back to school. The first day of school has come and went. My kids are getting so big. I can't even believe I have a 3rd grader and 7th grader. It doesn't seem like I'm getting any older but my kids sure are! We have now been in school for 3 weeks. Zech seems to be adjusting well to not being at home during the day. He is very resilient. Amber is also doing well. She tried out for the volleyball team and made "A" team!! This is quite an accomplishment and I couldn't be prouder!!
That being said, I think I should move on to the foster care portion. Before we left for vacation, we had been denied for full foster care. WE were requesting to do respite care. About 3 weeks ago, I received a phone call from the state. They were calling to schedule our walk through to do respite care! That has also been done. Rick & I are working on finishing up the last little details for that. The kids' bedrooms needed to have a step less that 44 inches from the bottom of the windows in their rooms. Thankfully, the representative gave some advice for this and we will be using nightstands and attaching them to the walls!
With all of this happening in July and August, I can only imagine what September will bring. I already know we will be busy with football, baseball, and volleyball. We also have bible studies going on and then hopefully my Pampered Chef business will pick up as well. I can't even begin to wrap my head around everything yet. I'm also praying for God's will regarding respite care, foster care, and adoption. I know that HE will keep me at peace with whatever happens!!!
We spent most of July with family. Of course, between the 4th of July and our vacation it was hard not too. Rick & Amber spent their traditional evening at home on the 4th while Zechariah and I went to the lake for fireworks. This has become a tradition since Amber was young. She doesn't like hearing the fireworks if they are loud. However, I think secretly, she just likes her alone time with her daddy! Zech has always loved the fireworks (typical boy) and would set them off for a week if I would let him. So, we go to the lake with Rick's family and have a great time.
The middle of July was also full of adventure. We all got to experience an Amtrak train for the first time. While the joy of that ride never fully left, it was so cold at night, we cuddled up as much as we could so we could share blankets. The ride to Chicago was good but the ride to DC was even better. Both of the kids met some others their age and they all played Uno in the dining/observation car. While Amber would rather have listened to her music, Zech was all about the little girl he met and staying with her. It was so comical. They even called each other for a few weeks after our trip to talk. Yes, my son did get her digits.
We all had so much fun on our vacation. Going to DC was great but the food at Legal Seafood was even better! Then Rick had a blast visiting Gettysburg and taking the bus tour! His eyes light up so much when it concerns anything history. I probably would never say this to him but even I enjoyed seeing it. Our best adventure though came from Zechariah.
As a mom, you never expect to see your son running then rolling down a hill while in the mountains. This is exactly what happened though. Zech and his Uncle AJ went for a little walk up a hill in the mountains. Shenandoah National Park is also home to bears. Needless to say, my son thought he saw and heard one. The biggest rule is to never RUN from a bear. Apparently, Zech doesn't listen to this. As he went a little further in, he heard the sound again and then they thought they heard a twig snap. This was enough for my son. All I heard was him screaming. I looked up just in time to see him running down the hill, trip over something and start rolling for the edge and boulder that was in his way. Thankfully, I ran out of the van and his uncle is WAY faster than I am. Uncle AJ saved the day by running up behind Zech, picking him up after a couple of tumbles and safely brought him to me. Zech came out with minor bumps and bruises. Praise God he didn't have any broken bones or a concussion. All-in-all, I think our vacation was good but I am definitely looking forward to going back to Colorado next year!
Of course, as soon as we got home, we had to start thinking about going back to school. The first day of school has come and went. My kids are getting so big. I can't even believe I have a 3rd grader and 7th grader. It doesn't seem like I'm getting any older but my kids sure are! We have now been in school for 3 weeks. Zech seems to be adjusting well to not being at home during the day. He is very resilient. Amber is also doing well. She tried out for the volleyball team and made "A" team!! This is quite an accomplishment and I couldn't be prouder!!
That being said, I think I should move on to the foster care portion. Before we left for vacation, we had been denied for full foster care. WE were requesting to do respite care. About 3 weeks ago, I received a phone call from the state. They were calling to schedule our walk through to do respite care! That has also been done. Rick & I are working on finishing up the last little details for that. The kids' bedrooms needed to have a step less that 44 inches from the bottom of the windows in their rooms. Thankfully, the representative gave some advice for this and we will be using nightstands and attaching them to the walls!
With all of this happening in July and August, I can only imagine what September will bring. I already know we will be busy with football, baseball, and volleyball. We also have bible studies going on and then hopefully my Pampered Chef business will pick up as well. I can't even begin to wrap my head around everything yet. I'm also praying for God's will regarding respite care, foster care, and adoption. I know that HE will keep me at peace with whatever happens!!!
Monday, June 24, 2013
Can this really be happening??
Another month has gone by and ball season in almost complete. My son's team finished their regular season play 14-0, UNDEFEATED!!! This was not an easy season for him as he went through a slump with his batting. However, he has ended the last couple of games with major hits to the outfield and some extremely nice plays at 2nd base! I, as his mother, am very proud of what he has done to make changes and continue to keep with it even during the hard times.
Then there's my daughter. After hurting her hand during the first session of volleyball and being out for a few weeks, she got right back at it! The 2nd session of volleyball went very well. The team struggled for the first week but quickly learned they needed to PLAY as a team! By the third week, they won the matches they played! My daughter really tired hard to make sure her serves were right on target! She even spent an hour with me at the school park just practicing serves for her game! This girl has focus and is determined to play well next year in 7th grade.
So far, daycare is going quite swimmingly! As of August, I will be as full as I hope to be. While my children will be in school, I will have 3 infants and 2 toddlers to take care of between 7:30 am and 5:30 pm. The good news is that I will only have most of them part time. However, I love seeing each one of them and watching them grow. I'm sure there will be days where I will scratch my head and wonder what in the world I was thinking but I also know that my heart will rejoice!
The next several weeks are going to be busy and interesting. This Friday, I will be closing daycare so I can go to St. Louis, MO for Upward Training! Next week, I will close for the July 4th holiday, and then work for a week. Following that full week in July, I will be on vacation with my wonderful family to Virginia by way of train! I feel like with all this going on, I may just need that vacation and then maybe one away from everyone after that! Ok, not really but it sounds good!
The Lord has been very patient with me over the last few weeks. My patience towards adoption and foster care has been on the short leash. We found out Rick had to have his fingerprints ran a second time because the first set was illegible. That took a little over a month to go through. Within a few days, we found out the next step would be the state doing a walkthrough and getting the daycare exception approved by the state so I could do both daycare and foster care. Throughout this process, I have been pretty peaceful with what has been happening and how it has been happening. However, I hit a big roadblock this last week. Because I hadn't heard anything from either the state or our caseworker, I called emailed her to see if I was supposed to do anything or if she had heard something. She said she would check and get back to me. On Wednesday last week she called me early in the morning. Turns out the exception to the daycare had been denied. We were not approved to do foster care and the state would not be going through our home. I was DEVASTATED. I literally had 1 child napping, 1 child playing, 1 child at camp in Hutchinson, and 1 child at camp in Topeka. I quietly went to my room and cried. I cried so hard because I just didn't understand. Why would God bring me down this road if it wasn't going to happen? Why didn't I just listen to Rick? Was he right? I can't have more children. I can't do foster care. Adoption has already been said no to by my husband. Am I that inadequate? Een as I sit here and write this, I have tears in my eyes. I feel hurt and confused.
I called Rick and tried to inform him. Silly me, don't call your husband crying because he thinks something happened to your children. I was shocked and he thought I was nuts! After all the daycare children went home and my 1 child was in his bed, Rick and I talked. The caseworker had emailed a short reason why we were not approved. In the state of Kansas, if you have a daycare, you may only do foster care if: 1) A child(ren) or child(ren)’s family is known to the daycare provider and is in need of a foster home or 2) The daycare provider has been identified as a possible adoptive resource for a child(ren) in foster care 3)A child(ren) enrolled in the daycare is in need of a foster home OR 4) The daycare provider only wants to provide respite care per KAR 28-4-812 and this is noted on the exception.
While this doesn't make sense in my own head, I'm sure it makes sense in someone elses. So while I was mulling this over, Rick & I prayed about it. I just honestly didn't even know where to go with it. It seems like we have been on this road forever but I know it's only been a short time. Is there where this ends? I don't have the answer to that and neither does Rick. I know God has an answer though. On Sunday, I spoke with a pastor at church about this. After speaking with him and then again with Rick, we have decided to try for respite care. Something you must know though, when we started this whole process about a year ago, Rick had always said, if I knew the child I was adopting I would have no problem letting them enter my home. I find it entertaining that God is slowly narrowing this path from adoption, to foster care to respite care. For those of you who don't know what respite care is, in a nutshell it means we are trying to be licensed as a family that will "watch" other foster care's children when they need a short break. This typically means keeping them for a weekend but possibly up to a week or more if it is approved through the childs caseworker. So while this is not the path I thought I was going to be on at this point, I think God is slowly helping me see HIS path. It has been a long process but I know that whatever happens, it is truly God's doing.
I may be devastated and cry. I may be ecstatic and jumping for joy. I may be just surviving. Whatever it is, I can do it! I can do this because I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!! (Phil 4:13)
It may not be pretty and I may need someone to carry me but I will get through yet another bump in the road. I will finish my race for Christ strong and leaning on HIM!
Then there's my daughter. After hurting her hand during the first session of volleyball and being out for a few weeks, she got right back at it! The 2nd session of volleyball went very well. The team struggled for the first week but quickly learned they needed to PLAY as a team! By the third week, they won the matches they played! My daughter really tired hard to make sure her serves were right on target! She even spent an hour with me at the school park just practicing serves for her game! This girl has focus and is determined to play well next year in 7th grade.
So far, daycare is going quite swimmingly! As of August, I will be as full as I hope to be. While my children will be in school, I will have 3 infants and 2 toddlers to take care of between 7:30 am and 5:30 pm. The good news is that I will only have most of them part time. However, I love seeing each one of them and watching them grow. I'm sure there will be days where I will scratch my head and wonder what in the world I was thinking but I also know that my heart will rejoice!
The next several weeks are going to be busy and interesting. This Friday, I will be closing daycare so I can go to St. Louis, MO for Upward Training! Next week, I will close for the July 4th holiday, and then work for a week. Following that full week in July, I will be on vacation with my wonderful family to Virginia by way of train! I feel like with all this going on, I may just need that vacation and then maybe one away from everyone after that! Ok, not really but it sounds good!
The Lord has been very patient with me over the last few weeks. My patience towards adoption and foster care has been on the short leash. We found out Rick had to have his fingerprints ran a second time because the first set was illegible. That took a little over a month to go through. Within a few days, we found out the next step would be the state doing a walkthrough and getting the daycare exception approved by the state so I could do both daycare and foster care. Throughout this process, I have been pretty peaceful with what has been happening and how it has been happening. However, I hit a big roadblock this last week. Because I hadn't heard anything from either the state or our caseworker, I called emailed her to see if I was supposed to do anything or if she had heard something. She said she would check and get back to me. On Wednesday last week she called me early in the morning. Turns out the exception to the daycare had been denied. We were not approved to do foster care and the state would not be going through our home. I was DEVASTATED. I literally had 1 child napping, 1 child playing, 1 child at camp in Hutchinson, and 1 child at camp in Topeka. I quietly went to my room and cried. I cried so hard because I just didn't understand. Why would God bring me down this road if it wasn't going to happen? Why didn't I just listen to Rick? Was he right? I can't have more children. I can't do foster care. Adoption has already been said no to by my husband. Am I that inadequate? Een as I sit here and write this, I have tears in my eyes. I feel hurt and confused.
I called Rick and tried to inform him. Silly me, don't call your husband crying because he thinks something happened to your children. I was shocked and he thought I was nuts! After all the daycare children went home and my 1 child was in his bed, Rick and I talked. The caseworker had emailed a short reason why we were not approved. In the state of Kansas, if you have a daycare, you may only do foster care if: 1) A child(ren) or child(ren)’s family is known to the daycare provider and is in need of a foster home or 2) The daycare provider has been identified as a possible adoptive resource for a child(ren) in foster care 3)A child(ren) enrolled in the daycare is in need of a foster home OR 4) The daycare provider only wants to provide respite care per KAR 28-4-812 and this is noted on the exception.
While this doesn't make sense in my own head, I'm sure it makes sense in someone elses. So while I was mulling this over, Rick & I prayed about it. I just honestly didn't even know where to go with it. It seems like we have been on this road forever but I know it's only been a short time. Is there where this ends? I don't have the answer to that and neither does Rick. I know God has an answer though. On Sunday, I spoke with a pastor at church about this. After speaking with him and then again with Rick, we have decided to try for respite care. Something you must know though, when we started this whole process about a year ago, Rick had always said, if I knew the child I was adopting I would have no problem letting them enter my home. I find it entertaining that God is slowly narrowing this path from adoption, to foster care to respite care. For those of you who don't know what respite care is, in a nutshell it means we are trying to be licensed as a family that will "watch" other foster care's children when they need a short break. This typically means keeping them for a weekend but possibly up to a week or more if it is approved through the childs caseworker. So while this is not the path I thought I was going to be on at this point, I think God is slowly helping me see HIS path. It has been a long process but I know that whatever happens, it is truly God's doing.
I may be devastated and cry. I may be ecstatic and jumping for joy. I may be just surviving. Whatever it is, I can do it! I can do this because I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!! (Phil 4:13)
It may not be pretty and I may need someone to carry me but I will get through yet another bump in the road. I will finish my race for Christ strong and leaning on HIM!
Monday, May 13, 2013
Who Is Watching?
During nap today, I took out my bible. I have a new plan to read and I'm going to try to keep up with it.
1 Samuel 16:7 But the Lord said to Samuel, "Do not look at his appearance or his stature, because I have rejected him. Man does not see what the Lord sees, for the man sees what is visible, but the Lord sees the heart."
The devotion to go with the was comparing your life's bloopers with others' highlight reels. It struck me for some reason today. I take care of my children, and 2other children during daycare hours. Soon, I will also have another 2 to keep me busy during the day. Someone is always watching me.
Sometimes, I say things I don't mean, especially to my children. It even occurs when I speak to people on just a daily basis. My tongue is a very wicked tool. When others look at my life, I would love for them to see just the "highlight reel". Unfortunately, I have many people that I consider to be very close to me and they know all my bloopers. I also like to be transparent with many people. That being said, it is good to know that God knows my heart and all its intentions. So even though I may do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing, or act negatively, but my God knows my heart. He understands if the intention was good. He knows if I am truly being cruel or just "tongue-tied".
He knew I would mess up. He knew I would do that daily. He knew my children and others around me would wonder. However, he loved me enough to send his son, Jesus Christ, for ME! I can not sing my praise or say enough how thankful I am for that.
My challenge to everyone for today, tomorrow, and the following year: Try to see what God sees not what Man sees. Even if you only do it once, step back, evaluate, and proceed with caution. Your reel could be amazing to someone watching you. Keep in mind, as long as you have Christ as your Savior, your reel is AWESOME to GOD!!!
1 Samuel 16:7 But the Lord said to Samuel, "Do not look at his appearance or his stature, because I have rejected him. Man does not see what the Lord sees, for the man sees what is visible, but the Lord sees the heart."
The devotion to go with the was comparing your life's bloopers with others' highlight reels. It struck me for some reason today. I take care of my children, and 2other children during daycare hours. Soon, I will also have another 2 to keep me busy during the day. Someone is always watching me.
Sometimes, I say things I don't mean, especially to my children. It even occurs when I speak to people on just a daily basis. My tongue is a very wicked tool. When others look at my life, I would love for them to see just the "highlight reel". Unfortunately, I have many people that I consider to be very close to me and they know all my bloopers. I also like to be transparent with many people. That being said, it is good to know that God knows my heart and all its intentions. So even though I may do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing, or act negatively, but my God knows my heart. He understands if the intention was good. He knows if I am truly being cruel or just "tongue-tied".
He knew I would mess up. He knew I would do that daily. He knew my children and others around me would wonder. However, he loved me enough to send his son, Jesus Christ, for ME! I can not sing my praise or say enough how thankful I am for that.
My challenge to everyone for today, tomorrow, and the following year: Try to see what God sees not what Man sees. Even if you only do it once, step back, evaluate, and proceed with caution. Your reel could be amazing to someone watching you. Keep in mind, as long as you have Christ as your Savior, your reel is AWESOME to GOD!!!
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Peaceable Mother's Day
I'm struggling knowing how to start this post. Not a lot has happened this last month or so. We have started ball season for my son. My daughter was playing volleyball but due to injuring her hand, it was cut short. However, I know that will be starting again soon.
We are still on the road to adoption but are taking a scenic route. After the adoption of a girl fell through, we had to reevaluate what we were to be doing. As much as my husband and I said "No" to foster care, we each felt more and more that it may be the way to go. So we have taken classes and are almost done with those.
About a month ago, my grandmother was in the hospital. She is OK now but it brought about another change. For about 3 years, I had not talked to anyone on my side of the family. Due to my past and my anger I just felt it was better not to. However, God had yet another plan for me. While my grandmother was in the hospital I spent some time with my mother. She was at the hospital and by herself while my grandmother slept. I spent a few hours at a time with my mother and just talked. We didn't talk about much but kept it on a superficial level. Shortly after, I called her and we worked some things out.
Then God gave me yet another surprise. A few weeks after opening up discussion with my mother, I talked to 1 of my brothers. This would be the youngest and we had a great time getting caught up by phone for 1 1/2 hours. I found out a lot about some stuff he was going through and found he gave me some encouragement too.
James 3:17,18 says, "Wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy. Now the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace."
I guess God is teaching me yet another lesson. This will be the first Mother's Day in 3 years where I haven't actually felt a little guilty because I have not talked to my mother. While I will not actually be seeing her, I did call and tell her Happy Mother's Day! I have another new peace that I wasn't sure would ever come. I believe my children will get to see their mom one day where she doesn't have so much anger, bitterness, or emptiness in her. Tomorrow I will get to have a day where I will be at peace with what God has given me. I will consult the wisdom from above so that I may have the pureness, peace, and mercy without hypocrisy or partiality.
Happy Mother's Day to my mother, mother-in-law, family and friends!! May each of us have the fruit of righteousness sown in peace within our hearts.
We are still on the road to adoption but are taking a scenic route. After the adoption of a girl fell through, we had to reevaluate what we were to be doing. As much as my husband and I said "No" to foster care, we each felt more and more that it may be the way to go. So we have taken classes and are almost done with those.
About a month ago, my grandmother was in the hospital. She is OK now but it brought about another change. For about 3 years, I had not talked to anyone on my side of the family. Due to my past and my anger I just felt it was better not to. However, God had yet another plan for me. While my grandmother was in the hospital I spent some time with my mother. She was at the hospital and by herself while my grandmother slept. I spent a few hours at a time with my mother and just talked. We didn't talk about much but kept it on a superficial level. Shortly after, I called her and we worked some things out.
Then God gave me yet another surprise. A few weeks after opening up discussion with my mother, I talked to 1 of my brothers. This would be the youngest and we had a great time getting caught up by phone for 1 1/2 hours. I found out a lot about some stuff he was going through and found he gave me some encouragement too.
James 3:17,18 says, "Wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy. Now the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace."
I guess God is teaching me yet another lesson. This will be the first Mother's Day in 3 years where I haven't actually felt a little guilty because I have not talked to my mother. While I will not actually be seeing her, I did call and tell her Happy Mother's Day! I have another new peace that I wasn't sure would ever come. I believe my children will get to see their mom one day where she doesn't have so much anger, bitterness, or emptiness in her. Tomorrow I will get to have a day where I will be at peace with what God has given me. I will consult the wisdom from above so that I may have the pureness, peace, and mercy without hypocrisy or partiality.
Happy Mother's Day to my mother, mother-in-law, family and friends!! May each of us have the fruit of righteousness sown in peace within our hearts.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Random Thoughts
First things first. God must be praised in all things!
I am slowly learning the patience God is trying to teach me. I would like to say that I am doing a good job at it but that wouldn't be telling the truth. However, I am willing to continue learning. I know that I can do all things through Christ. I just have to remind myself occassionally of this.
Regarding adoption, we are still on this path. We are also looking at foster care. Nothing has been set in stone as we are waiting on God's prompting. We are trusting in Him as we wander down these paths.
Precious Gems: This is the name of the home daycare I am now running. I was approved with a temporary license last week. This week I signed 2 children. I will not have my permanent license until I pass a few more inspections. That being said, they should both be done in the next 2 weeks. The first being this coming Thursday. I'm not worried but I always appreciate prayers when it come to these things.
Those are my thoughts for now. I just felt like I needed to get some of that typed out. My husband is great about understanding me lately. However, "getting it all down on paper" is usually the best method to get it all out.
I am slowly learning the patience God is trying to teach me. I would like to say that I am doing a good job at it but that wouldn't be telling the truth. However, I am willing to continue learning. I know that I can do all things through Christ. I just have to remind myself occassionally of this.
Regarding adoption, we are still on this path. We are also looking at foster care. Nothing has been set in stone as we are waiting on God's prompting. We are trusting in Him as we wander down these paths.
Precious Gems: This is the name of the home daycare I am now running. I was approved with a temporary license last week. This week I signed 2 children. I will not have my permanent license until I pass a few more inspections. That being said, they should both be done in the next 2 weeks. The first being this coming Thursday. I'm not worried but I always appreciate prayers when it come to these things.
Those are my thoughts for now. I just felt like I needed to get some of that typed out. My husband is great about understanding me lately. However, "getting it all down on paper" is usually the best method to get it all out.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
A Recurring Theme
As I sat down to write tonight, I realized I haven't wrote in almost 2 months. With that being said, I should probably do an update with my family and our progress.
Amber went back to public school at the beginning of the year. With minor complications, she is doing great! I have to say, I really don't like the attitude that comes with her age but she seems to be handling it better than I am. I can also admit this tries my patience on a daily basis in one way or another.
Zechariah is also pushing the balance of patience. I realized in his school "schedule" he wasn't really being challenged in a few areas. When I took a look at this and the date we were going to be done with school; I had to kick it into high gear. As I did this, I heard quite a bit more complaining. It takes a strong woman to stay home, school her child, and not get angry!
On the adoption home front, we are still on that journey. We have recently had a set back. Anyone who knows me will know this is not what I like to hear. In January, we submitted our home study for a little girl of 10. In February, we received word that we had been selected to go to the next step. We were just waiting on the Best Interest Staffing. During that time, we also had to update our home study at the request of the child's caseworker. A few days ago, we received information from our caseworker, the little girl had a little incident and wanted to make sure we were still interested. To be honest, I still don't know what to think but after speaking with Rick, I just feel like it's not something we can handle.
I must also mention that before Rick & I had our fallout, I asked God to give me patience. Prior to that, I asked for adoption. Prior to that, I asked God to help me in my relationship with Rick. So if you have been following me for some time, you may notice I think God moved little by little in HIS time with each request. Granted, they were not necessarily the way I wanted them to be answered or in the TIME I wanted them answered but he did answer them.
So Rick mentioned last night, he thinks God is trying to teach me PATIENCE. I, at first, rejected this idea. Then today I have just had this long day. So tonight, I had to reevaluate my thinking. I am beginning to think I need to quit praying for patience. God doesn't just give us patience; HE gives us circumstances to practice that patience.
Luke 8:15 says: "But the ones that fell on the good ground are those who, having heard the word with a noble and good heart, keep it and bear fruit with patience." and James 1:2-3 says: "My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience."
I guess this just means I am being tested so I can have more patience so that I "may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing" James 1:4b. Will you let God make you perfect and complete? Will you give Him number 1 priority? Will you ask for patience?
Amber went back to public school at the beginning of the year. With minor complications, she is doing great! I have to say, I really don't like the attitude that comes with her age but she seems to be handling it better than I am. I can also admit this tries my patience on a daily basis in one way or another.
Zechariah is also pushing the balance of patience. I realized in his school "schedule" he wasn't really being challenged in a few areas. When I took a look at this and the date we were going to be done with school; I had to kick it into high gear. As I did this, I heard quite a bit more complaining. It takes a strong woman to stay home, school her child, and not get angry!
On the adoption home front, we are still on that journey. We have recently had a set back. Anyone who knows me will know this is not what I like to hear. In January, we submitted our home study for a little girl of 10. In February, we received word that we had been selected to go to the next step. We were just waiting on the Best Interest Staffing. During that time, we also had to update our home study at the request of the child's caseworker. A few days ago, we received information from our caseworker, the little girl had a little incident and wanted to make sure we were still interested. To be honest, I still don't know what to think but after speaking with Rick, I just feel like it's not something we can handle.
I must also mention that before Rick & I had our fallout, I asked God to give me patience. Prior to that, I asked for adoption. Prior to that, I asked God to help me in my relationship with Rick. So if you have been following me for some time, you may notice I think God moved little by little in HIS time with each request. Granted, they were not necessarily the way I wanted them to be answered or in the TIME I wanted them answered but he did answer them.
So Rick mentioned last night, he thinks God is trying to teach me PATIENCE. I, at first, rejected this idea. Then today I have just had this long day. So tonight, I had to reevaluate my thinking. I am beginning to think I need to quit praying for patience. God doesn't just give us patience; HE gives us circumstances to practice that patience.
Luke 8:15 says: "But the ones that fell on the good ground are those who, having heard the word with a noble and good heart, keep it and bear fruit with patience." and James 1:2-3 says: "My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience."
I guess this just means I am being tested so I can have more patience so that I "may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing" James 1:4b. Will you let God make you perfect and complete? Will you give Him number 1 priority? Will you ask for patience?
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
More TRUST
My house is quiet. This is not a normal thing. As I sit here and begin to put my thoughts to the computer journal I can't help but be a little melancholy.
Over the Christmas break we had some changes happen. While I love homeschooling my children, it wasn't agreeing with my oldest. For the last month or so she had been having a hard time staying focused. It would literally take 7 days to complete 5 days worth of work. She took breaks ALL the time and we argued a lot. It was very hard for me to enjoy being with her during "school" hours. After those times, during our free or family time, she was a WHOLE NEW person. This child asked my husband and I if she could return to school. Every fiber of my being screamed NO! How can I give my baby girl to a school that will not love her as much as I do or "baby" her through classes that are too hard?
Yesterday, I took her to the middle school in our area and had a tour with her. I am a worried mother. However, I found the principal, assistant principal, counselor, and a teacher were as comforting to me as they were to her. They took the time to answer my questions and talk with her over the changes that would be made. After about 1 hour there, I made the decision (with hubby's support) to allow her to go to middle school. While my daughter was ecstatic this morning, I had to say a prayer over her to make me feel better.
We read the Bible and prayed before we left the house. As I sit here, I wonder how God thinks over us everyday. What does He say about where we go? Who we talk to? Our interactions throughout our days and lives? I'm reminded of a verse that I have wrote of before: Jeremiah 29:11. Only He knows what the plans are for my daughter and my family. I am going to be strong in that and TRUST HIM.
Over the Christmas break we had some changes happen. While I love homeschooling my children, it wasn't agreeing with my oldest. For the last month or so she had been having a hard time staying focused. It would literally take 7 days to complete 5 days worth of work. She took breaks ALL the time and we argued a lot. It was very hard for me to enjoy being with her during "school" hours. After those times, during our free or family time, she was a WHOLE NEW person. This child asked my husband and I if she could return to school. Every fiber of my being screamed NO! How can I give my baby girl to a school that will not love her as much as I do or "baby" her through classes that are too hard?
Yesterday, I took her to the middle school in our area and had a tour with her. I am a worried mother. However, I found the principal, assistant principal, counselor, and a teacher were as comforting to me as they were to her. They took the time to answer my questions and talk with her over the changes that would be made. After about 1 hour there, I made the decision (with hubby's support) to allow her to go to middle school. While my daughter was ecstatic this morning, I had to say a prayer over her to make me feel better.
We read the Bible and prayed before we left the house. As I sit here, I wonder how God thinks over us everyday. What does He say about where we go? Who we talk to? Our interactions throughout our days and lives? I'm reminded of a verse that I have wrote of before: Jeremiah 29:11. Only He knows what the plans are for my daughter and my family. I am going to be strong in that and TRUST HIM.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
New Year Deeper in Love
Let's be honest here. I don't make resolutions for a new year because I have a very hard time keeping them. I thought about making a resolution to lose weight, but I'm happy with the weight I'm at. Then I thought about making a resolution to just be more active. Obviously, that's not going to happen!!
As you can see, I'm not good at making resolutions. I'm kind of like that person who says they'll try to do better. This year however, I have decided I'm just going to allow God to mold me even more into HIS image. This could be a year where I hurt deeply. I am not a perfect person. I struggle just like everyone else does and sometimes feel my pain is the worst it has ever been. After last year, I wonder how I will be molded and changed. Of course, I ask this knowing that I will find out in December of this year.
I would like to say that I could encourage everyone through this year but at times I may need that encouragement too. There are many changes I know about and I'm sure just as many I don't. One of the devotional calendars I have gave me this to ponder on:
"If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new." 2 Corinthians 5:17
January 1 became generally recognized as the beginning of the year in the 1500's with the adoption of the Gregorian calendar. In the United States, the holiday is traditionally considered to be a time to take stock of one's life and to make resolutions for the coming year.
The best way for believers to celebrate each New Year's Day is to resolve to live more like the new creation that the apostle Paul sys we are. Once we accept the sacrifice that Christ made on our behalf, we enter into the New Covenant and God begins a new work of creation in us. He gives us a new heart, a new self, and a new song. We're called to have new attitudes and a new lifestyle. As we grow, God brings new opportunities for service and teaches us new truths." (The One Year On This Day-calendar of 365 Devotions on Intriguing Events that Happened--Dianne Neal Matthews)
So, while again, I'm not good at resolutions, I fully RESOLVE to fall deeper in love with Christ and allow him to mold, change, shape, and paint me the way HE chooses.
As you can see, I'm not good at making resolutions. I'm kind of like that person who says they'll try to do better. This year however, I have decided I'm just going to allow God to mold me even more into HIS image. This could be a year where I hurt deeply. I am not a perfect person. I struggle just like everyone else does and sometimes feel my pain is the worst it has ever been. After last year, I wonder how I will be molded and changed. Of course, I ask this knowing that I will find out in December of this year.
I would like to say that I could encourage everyone through this year but at times I may need that encouragement too. There are many changes I know about and I'm sure just as many I don't. One of the devotional calendars I have gave me this to ponder on:
"If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new." 2 Corinthians 5:17
January 1 became generally recognized as the beginning of the year in the 1500's with the adoption of the Gregorian calendar. In the United States, the holiday is traditionally considered to be a time to take stock of one's life and to make resolutions for the coming year.
The best way for believers to celebrate each New Year's Day is to resolve to live more like the new creation that the apostle Paul sys we are. Once we accept the sacrifice that Christ made on our behalf, we enter into the New Covenant and God begins a new work of creation in us. He gives us a new heart, a new self, and a new song. We're called to have new attitudes and a new lifestyle. As we grow, God brings new opportunities for service and teaches us new truths." (The One Year On This Day-calendar of 365 Devotions on Intriguing Events that Happened--Dianne Neal Matthews)
So, while again, I'm not good at resolutions, I fully RESOLVE to fall deeper in love with Christ and allow him to mold, change, shape, and paint me the way HE chooses.
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