As a foster mom, I understand the holidays are a hard time for my foster and biological kiddos. However, it also reminds me how hard it is for my husband and I. Every November I go into a tailspin. It affects me deeply. Truth be told, it affects my family very deeply.
Four years ago, I had made a decision to leave my husband and take our children with me. Today, we are still together. It is nothing short of a miracle that God gave us and those children we have taken in. November always catches me off guard no matter how I try to be prepared for it. I still think what would have happened if I had followed through with it. What would have happened if my husband had not been as strong as he was? Would we have found our way back to each other? Would we have had the opportunity we have the last two years with foster care?
This morning as I began to wonder these questions, my husband and I were on the phone. He was having the same questions but had others I hadn't thought of. He also pointed out very gently that we were okay and were going to be better every year. After talking to him for a little bit, we hung up and he went back to work. I however decided I needed to shower and get my day started. In the course of getting my shower, I began to weep heavily as Christian music was playing in the background. It was then that I was reminded that I had been restored and how I use that is going to say what I have learned.
I have kept holding on, year after year, to the painful memories and have not been able to look at the good times that have sprung from that. I know that God took that awful event and has used it for good. I keep punishing myself because I feel like it was all my fault and I am not worthy to be restored. Yes, I have struggled with this for a long time but I am choosing to accept the gift God has so graciously given me, year after year and memory after memory.
For anyone that is going through a tough time like this, I understand your struggle. You are not alone and there is always someone that will understand. I don't claim to know everything, I only have my experience but there are those that are more educated that can help you. I am willing to be a listening/reading person. Feel free to message me and let me know how I can pray for you.
Have a Happy Thanksgiving and don't forget to say Thanks to the power that gave it to us!
Wednesday, November 25, 2015
Wednesday, April 29, 2015
It's Different
So, nobody told me the heartache and happiness that would come with foster care. No one told me the frustrations in detail that could go along with it. Most of what was said was, it's different. Make sure you know what you are getting into. It's not bad, it's not good. It is different.
I have had to realize I am not superwoman. I can't do it alone and I can't be everywhere that I need to. Some days will be harder than others. Most will say this of any parenting relationship. Again, it's different. Yes, I have two children of my own and yes, some days are harder than others with them. However, I know how to handle their personalities because I have had 10-13 years of getting to know them.
No matter how long we've had a child, I never feel fully equipped to take care of them. My patience button gets pushed more than I would like to admit. One particular child has been with us almost 9 months. This child started out with me being aggravated on a daily basis. Then they got better. Then just as I thought I had them figured out, I realized I knew nothing about them. I became aggravated once again almost daily. It was different though. This child knew my husband and I were there for them. However, it felt like they were shutting us out and trying to purposely make us upset. Then, we bring another child in and all of a sudden, they take the "leader" role. I still don't have them figured out.
In addition to all of this, my husband and I have added a teenager into the mix. It's been different with this one too. My biological teenager is just at the beginning of the teen years. I'm going to have time to fine tune her new personality. But, when a new teenager comes in and has their own personality and way of doing things, it can be completely different. We don't always see eye to eye. I've been told I have anger issues. I yell too much. These are really hard to hear. I know they are just working through their own things but it really does make you look hard at yourself. Now, it's not all bad. Some good came out of these two situations.
One, I was finally able to admit, yes, I do have anger issues. Yes, I do need help. My anger wasn't because of children. It wasn't because of my past. It wasn't because of my husband either. I was having anxiety. This anxiety was different than what I had dealt with regarding depression. My medication wasn't working and I didn't like the way I felt. So, I went back to the doctor. I'm on new medicine now and I feel like a better person again.
Two, the love I feel from all the kids in my home and my spouse has increased greatly. I know they love me unconditionally. Each child has their own way of showing me the love and thanks they have. I love the one-on-one time with them.
Three, foster care has never been more rewarding. Foster care is opening up more windows and doors to God. One little word or action can help me see what God sees. With each new personality and each new child, I am being refined. My own children are being refined. My husband is being refined also. We are growing up and changing. We are closer somehow, yet also far apart. Each of us sees something different. My children will tell you they don't always like foster care. They don't like having their rooms disrupted or their time with daddy and I taken away. It's not always easy. We work through it like most families, one day at a time.
Even though foster care can be different with each new child, I know one thing remains the same. God is a constant in our home. The littlest child now prays before every meal and snack. He makes sure to remind all the older siblings. The two teenagers talk about Him more and how to deal with changes. The oldest boy is beginning to see why we do foster care. I catch little glimpses of him growing up and having more of a heart for God. My husband studies the Bible more too. Our home has been different. It's not bad, it's not perfect, it's just different. I am learning to love different.
I have had to realize I am not superwoman. I can't do it alone and I can't be everywhere that I need to. Some days will be harder than others. Most will say this of any parenting relationship. Again, it's different. Yes, I have two children of my own and yes, some days are harder than others with them. However, I know how to handle their personalities because I have had 10-13 years of getting to know them.
No matter how long we've had a child, I never feel fully equipped to take care of them. My patience button gets pushed more than I would like to admit. One particular child has been with us almost 9 months. This child started out with me being aggravated on a daily basis. Then they got better. Then just as I thought I had them figured out, I realized I knew nothing about them. I became aggravated once again almost daily. It was different though. This child knew my husband and I were there for them. However, it felt like they were shutting us out and trying to purposely make us upset. Then, we bring another child in and all of a sudden, they take the "leader" role. I still don't have them figured out.
In addition to all of this, my husband and I have added a teenager into the mix. It's been different with this one too. My biological teenager is just at the beginning of the teen years. I'm going to have time to fine tune her new personality. But, when a new teenager comes in and has their own personality and way of doing things, it can be completely different. We don't always see eye to eye. I've been told I have anger issues. I yell too much. These are really hard to hear. I know they are just working through their own things but it really does make you look hard at yourself. Now, it's not all bad. Some good came out of these two situations.
One, I was finally able to admit, yes, I do have anger issues. Yes, I do need help. My anger wasn't because of children. It wasn't because of my past. It wasn't because of my husband either. I was having anxiety. This anxiety was different than what I had dealt with regarding depression. My medication wasn't working and I didn't like the way I felt. So, I went back to the doctor. I'm on new medicine now and I feel like a better person again.
Two, the love I feel from all the kids in my home and my spouse has increased greatly. I know they love me unconditionally. Each child has their own way of showing me the love and thanks they have. I love the one-on-one time with them.
Three, foster care has never been more rewarding. Foster care is opening up more windows and doors to God. One little word or action can help me see what God sees. With each new personality and each new child, I am being refined. My own children are being refined. My husband is being refined also. We are growing up and changing. We are closer somehow, yet also far apart. Each of us sees something different. My children will tell you they don't always like foster care. They don't like having their rooms disrupted or their time with daddy and I taken away. It's not always easy. We work through it like most families, one day at a time.
Even though foster care can be different with each new child, I know one thing remains the same. God is a constant in our home. The littlest child now prays before every meal and snack. He makes sure to remind all the older siblings. The two teenagers talk about Him more and how to deal with changes. The oldest boy is beginning to see why we do foster care. I catch little glimpses of him growing up and having more of a heart for God. My husband studies the Bible more too. Our home has been different. It's not bad, it's not perfect, it's just different. I am learning to love different.
Friday, October 10, 2014
One Year Anniversary
October 25, 2014 will be one year since my family has ventured into foster care in the state of Kansas. In that time, NINE children have come into our home!! This means God has used us to either introduce or reintroduce His name to them. Each of these children has been shown or taught of God's mercy.
As I look back over the last year, we have changed and grown as a family! I went from feeling like I had entered into a world of elation, to feeling like I just barely survive some days. However, I also know that this is the road our family was meant to go down. As I think about each child that has come and gone, I wonder if I have done enough. Then I have to think again of God's love and admit that I couldn't do it all. It's not my path to save or adopt every child that needs somebody. I can only do what He allows me to do.
My husband has come to learn a few things about himself as well. He has changed again as we entered into the foster care world and with each child he has learned something new. He even reached out to one of our foster children and offered for him to call him anytime after he went home. That particular child has since gone home and has checked in with us a few times. It's so great to know he is doing well.
Our children have changed also. Our daughter has had to learn what it means to be a true sister and share her room with another girl. It is nothing short of a miracle that she and I both survived! Our son has also had to learn what it means to have a "big brother". It means, that no matter how hard you try, the older one always needs some alone time. Sometimes, little brothers don't always get to play what they want when they want. Each child has also learned that the world is not perfect. Sometimes, things happen to people and we don't know why.
I wouldn't change the last year for a year of calm. Even though we have been busy with several different children's activities and finding time for ourselves, God has seen me through each new thing. I have witnessed children that have lived through severe neglect and horrible physical abuse. Some of them have suffered great things no one should ever have to see or go through. Two girls have touched my heart. They are strong and don't even know how strong they are. I pray for them as they enter my mind.
Foster care is a hard thing to do. No one said it would be easy. As a matter of fact, I was told in the beginning it would be hard and that person wasn't sure I was cut out for it. I would have to say, I agree with them. It's not easy and some days I wonder myself if I am cut out for it. BUT, then I remind myself, the benefits are much more heavenly. I need to be outside of myself to do this. For it is ONLY with Christ's love and help that we make it through things we don't normally see ourselves doing.
"May the Lord direct your hearts to God's love and Christ's endurance." 2 Thessalonians 3:5
As I look back over the last year, we have changed and grown as a family! I went from feeling like I had entered into a world of elation, to feeling like I just barely survive some days. However, I also know that this is the road our family was meant to go down. As I think about each child that has come and gone, I wonder if I have done enough. Then I have to think again of God's love and admit that I couldn't do it all. It's not my path to save or adopt every child that needs somebody. I can only do what He allows me to do.
My husband has come to learn a few things about himself as well. He has changed again as we entered into the foster care world and with each child he has learned something new. He even reached out to one of our foster children and offered for him to call him anytime after he went home. That particular child has since gone home and has checked in with us a few times. It's so great to know he is doing well.
Our children have changed also. Our daughter has had to learn what it means to be a true sister and share her room with another girl. It is nothing short of a miracle that she and I both survived! Our son has also had to learn what it means to have a "big brother". It means, that no matter how hard you try, the older one always needs some alone time. Sometimes, little brothers don't always get to play what they want when they want. Each child has also learned that the world is not perfect. Sometimes, things happen to people and we don't know why.
I wouldn't change the last year for a year of calm. Even though we have been busy with several different children's activities and finding time for ourselves, God has seen me through each new thing. I have witnessed children that have lived through severe neglect and horrible physical abuse. Some of them have suffered great things no one should ever have to see or go through. Two girls have touched my heart. They are strong and don't even know how strong they are. I pray for them as they enter my mind.
Foster care is a hard thing to do. No one said it would be easy. As a matter of fact, I was told in the beginning it would be hard and that person wasn't sure I was cut out for it. I would have to say, I agree with them. It's not easy and some days I wonder myself if I am cut out for it. BUT, then I remind myself, the benefits are much more heavenly. I need to be outside of myself to do this. For it is ONLY with Christ's love and help that we make it through things we don't normally see ourselves doing.
"May the Lord direct your hearts to God's love and Christ's endurance." 2 Thessalonians 3:5
Thursday, April 10, 2014
More Children and More Ramblings
So, it's been a few months since I've written my thoughts down. Please bear with me as I try to bring my thoughts together.
The first 1/3 of the year has brought more changes for our family. January and February seemed to have gone by without any issues. Rick and I even began to wonder if we should think about bringing in another foster child. It seemed our daughter had a good "playmate" but our son seemed to be left out. We began to pray about what would be the best thing to do.
God didn't take much time to answer this prayer. On March 4, while I was on the phone figuring some bills out, my husband called on the other line to inform me he was at the doctor's office with chest pains. He stated in addition to his pain, he arm hurt as well. While he was at the office, I received a call from our foster daughter's caseworker. She stated that she had a child that needed a home. This child had been staying only 1 night in homes for the last week. My heart broke but I still wasn't sure what we needed to do. I asked several questions regarding this child. I was told the child was good but had had physical and verbal aggression in his past. I felt my heart drop. This was the one thing Rick & I said we would not deal with. I began to text Rick and ask him what he felt was right. Because we hadn't actually gotten a no immediately, Rick informed me to say yes. I called the caseworker back and informed them we would give it a trial week and provided nothing happened that would harm us, our children, or anyone else around us, we would make it as permanent as needed..
Our foster son showed up on our doorstep at 9:00 pm the very same day! He was enrolled in school the next day and due to transportation issues, began on Friday. He went to school for a week and then got a BIG break (Spring break). With a minor bump in the road, he has been very good! I even have the opportunity to speak with his mom! God is blessing our family with great opportunities to give HIS message.
In addition to all of this, Rick & I have just celebrated our thirteenth wedding anniversary! It seems crazy to think that a short two years ago that we renewed our wedding vows. Since that time, God has blessed our marriage beyond measure! Yes, we have had to move. Without that though, we wouldn't have decided that we need to begin to pay down our debt and not borrow anymore. To that effect, we paid cash for a van that would fit our growing family! We almost have several bills and a few loans paid off. I have been blessed to have a daycare in my home that is continuing to thrive at this time. The families that come here mean so much to me! I feel the love that each one brings into my home! Rick has also received a few awards at work and has finished his managers training!! That was 18 months of training and then nationally recognized within his company!! I am so proud of him!
I've been talking to our foster children about their circumstances and why it has been allowed to happen. I firmly think that sometimes, in order to get our attention, God will allow bad circumstances to happen. I know for me, I've had to lean heavily on Christ and His teachings to get me through some of the worst things I've gone through! I also find that I'm closer to Him during these times. That being said, one of the children said they've gone through this because they are learning how to behave appropriately and feels they are part of a family that cares. The other child stated just this evening that they feel closer to their family now. They didn't realize how much they would miss their family until they had been taken away.
For me, I'm learning how to appreciate the small things in life. It is also changing how I respond to people. I know in the past, I had so much anger and many issues dealing with it. Many days, I wonder how I dealt with things in the past. How did I come off to people? I don't remember always being nice but I also remember holding a lot in. Did others think I was a lost person? How do those that I grew up with remember me?
Thankfully, I don't have to worry about the past. With Jesus Christ as my Savior, I am forgiven and accepted! My past doesn't control me. I see it as part of who I am and use it to help better myself for the future!! I AM LOVED! I am made in Christ's image and HE is what I strive to become like. I will never make it and for that God sent His son!! What a great opportunity to share this with those I come into contact with, whether it be through childcare, family, church, or foster care!! Thank you Jesus for giving me these opportunities!
The first 1/3 of the year has brought more changes for our family. January and February seemed to have gone by without any issues. Rick and I even began to wonder if we should think about bringing in another foster child. It seemed our daughter had a good "playmate" but our son seemed to be left out. We began to pray about what would be the best thing to do.
God didn't take much time to answer this prayer. On March 4, while I was on the phone figuring some bills out, my husband called on the other line to inform me he was at the doctor's office with chest pains. He stated in addition to his pain, he arm hurt as well. While he was at the office, I received a call from our foster daughter's caseworker. She stated that she had a child that needed a home. This child had been staying only 1 night in homes for the last week. My heart broke but I still wasn't sure what we needed to do. I asked several questions regarding this child. I was told the child was good but had had physical and verbal aggression in his past. I felt my heart drop. This was the one thing Rick & I said we would not deal with. I began to text Rick and ask him what he felt was right. Because we hadn't actually gotten a no immediately, Rick informed me to say yes. I called the caseworker back and informed them we would give it a trial week and provided nothing happened that would harm us, our children, or anyone else around us, we would make it as permanent as needed..
Our foster son showed up on our doorstep at 9:00 pm the very same day! He was enrolled in school the next day and due to transportation issues, began on Friday. He went to school for a week and then got a BIG break (Spring break). With a minor bump in the road, he has been very good! I even have the opportunity to speak with his mom! God is blessing our family with great opportunities to give HIS message.
In addition to all of this, Rick & I have just celebrated our thirteenth wedding anniversary! It seems crazy to think that a short two years ago that we renewed our wedding vows. Since that time, God has blessed our marriage beyond measure! Yes, we have had to move. Without that though, we wouldn't have decided that we need to begin to pay down our debt and not borrow anymore. To that effect, we paid cash for a van that would fit our growing family! We almost have several bills and a few loans paid off. I have been blessed to have a daycare in my home that is continuing to thrive at this time. The families that come here mean so much to me! I feel the love that each one brings into my home! Rick has also received a few awards at work and has finished his managers training!! That was 18 months of training and then nationally recognized within his company!! I am so proud of him!
I've been talking to our foster children about their circumstances and why it has been allowed to happen. I firmly think that sometimes, in order to get our attention, God will allow bad circumstances to happen. I know for me, I've had to lean heavily on Christ and His teachings to get me through some of the worst things I've gone through! I also find that I'm closer to Him during these times. That being said, one of the children said they've gone through this because they are learning how to behave appropriately and feels they are part of a family that cares. The other child stated just this evening that they feel closer to their family now. They didn't realize how much they would miss their family until they had been taken away.
For me, I'm learning how to appreciate the small things in life. It is also changing how I respond to people. I know in the past, I had so much anger and many issues dealing with it. Many days, I wonder how I dealt with things in the past. How did I come off to people? I don't remember always being nice but I also remember holding a lot in. Did others think I was a lost person? How do those that I grew up with remember me?
Thankfully, I don't have to worry about the past. With Jesus Christ as my Savior, I am forgiven and accepted! My past doesn't control me. I see it as part of who I am and use it to help better myself for the future!! I AM LOVED! I am made in Christ's image and HE is what I strive to become like. I will never make it and for that God sent His son!! What a great opportunity to share this with those I come into contact with, whether it be through childcare, family, church, or foster care!! Thank you Jesus for giving me these opportunities!
Monday, January 20, 2014
RAD
RAD--Not an abbreviation I was familiar with a few months ago. It's not something that can be cured with medication. It's not something that will ever truly go away. It is however something that can affect everyone and everything around you. Reactive Attachment Disorder. The clinical definition is:
a condition found in children who have received grossly negligent care and do not form a healthy emotional attachment with their primary caregivers -- usually their mothers -- before age 5.
There are two types of RAD. Inhibited and Disinhibited. I believe I am getting very versed in the first. Now as we began looking into foster care and adoption, I began to hear this term a lot. I even did a very minimal research into it. I decided at that point, it couldn't happen to us. We were not going to have that in a child we were going to consider. Well, as you know, God likes to see your face when He says this is what you are going to do. Yes, I admit, I'm a stubborn child. I stomp my feet, kick & cry, and down right ignore what he says.
God changes your heart as you go through certain circumstances. I truly believe now this child was placed in our home so we could help her overcome her past, see what a relationship with a parent looks like. This Saturday (Jan 25) she has been with us for 3 months. The first month was an adjustment period. The second month was a rebellion month. Both months have taught me something new. I can only say that as I look back and not as I was going through it. In our child, RAD looks something like this: Temper tantrums in an almost 13 year old. Crying for no reason other than to get attention. Hiding food and disobeying at any given time. Running away because of anger. "Threatening" suicide. Arguing with siblings and parents because it made sense at the time. During all these situations the stated child is unable to be consoled, reasoned with, or talked to.
Imagine if you will, your child that has been with you since birth. You have given that child all the love and attention they needed. There are no other psychological issues. Your child has grown up with a core belief of what is right and wrong. The child has gone from infant to toddler to preteen with minimal out-of-the ordinary tantrums. Now imagine a child that has been left to fend for themselves. They have not been taught "common sense" items. They don't understand what it is to be told no but still be loved. They don't understand that when they have a tantrum you will still love them but will give them discipline and guidance to help them grow into a healthy adult. So instead, this same child continues to throw "fits" even though they desperately may want nothing more than your love and devotion. All the while, they are pushing your further away because that is what they have come to learn. It doesn't matter how much they say they love me because when I'm bad, they will get rid of me and stop loving me. There is no healthy relationship because somewhere in their past, they were neglected or weren't able to have a loving, healthy emotional attachment to a primary caregiver.
Not every child in foster care has RAD. As a matter of fact, only a select few actually have it. However it does seem more prevalent in the foster care system. As I read an article on http://cswr.columbia.edu/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/2012_vol3_pg63_balasingham-1.pdf, I saw that only 1% of children under age five are diagnosed with reactive attachment disorder. It goes on to say that about 40% of children in foster care and 50% of children adopted from orphanages have this disorder. To me, this is an astounding number! If all 3 of my children were adopted from an orphanage, at least 1 1/2 would have a form of RAD. Does that even seem right?!?
As I contemplate these numbers, I find myself questioning many things. Why? Why do these children have to suffer so much. Why does my heart hurt so badly for them? What? What is God placing on my heart to do? What will happen to the future of our children if the number of foster care children increases? If RAD compromises a child's ability to have a healthy relationship with anyone, will this also increase other rates like divorces? Think about it, if you can't have a good, strong, emotionally healthy relationship with a parent, how would you be able to have one with a mate? What would you teach your children if you had them?
Now let's look at what the child is possibly thinking. Why doesn't anyone love me? I know they don't love me because they are not meeting my needs. This person doesn't feed me. They don't give me the physical attention I need. They can't communicate with me. I don't want to talk to them. I know they like me but I can't be good all the time. I'm easily frustrated and I don't know how to deal with it. That's ok, I'll just hit or scream at whoever makes me frustrated or angry.
Maybe this is why God has called me to this foster care thing. He is opening my eyes to what He sees. Having two children of my own whom I love with a deep passion and have always tried to give them what they need, I couldn't imagine much outside of this. Isn't this how life is supposed to be? Every mother feels this way, right? Unfortunately, I know one child that didn't feel that way. It has been a difficult yet rewarding few months. My husband's family has seen the effect it has had on me and my children. My husband and I have been so frustrated and out of control, we have had to call in many reinforcements to help us. Yes, this child has yelled at us. She has cussed at us. She has decided to run away. There was even a time with this child hurt my son. (Side note: Later found out, my children may have egged them on a little ;-}) This particular child also was gone from us for a week because of some actions and a few threatening words. My heart hurts to think this child hadn't been loved when they were little and finds it very difficult to make a healthy emotional attachment.
Now, all this is said with a few things in mind. Things are changing folks! With more security, the attachments being made in this home are truly coming along. The girls are making very small baby steps towards becoming sisters, fighting and all. All three children can play together on a good day for 30 minutes or so. The temper tantrums are becoming less and less. God is making His presence known more and more. Each of us is still truly adjusting. I know it is a long road ahead of us. I am encouraged though as I hear from others outside of the family, such as case managers and therapists, that say they have seen our family change in many ways. They also say, knowing this child for several years, they haven't seen her have as big of an attachment to a family as she does with us! Many who know her have also said she seems happier and more relaxed. This my dear friends is nothing short of a miracle. God knows what he's doing, even if you think He's wrong.
I ask, dear friends and readers, to be in constant prayer. Pray for us as a family. Pray for our children. Pray for open eyes. But I leave you with one last request. Please take God's word to heart when it comes to any kind of relationship. John 15:9-17 :9 Just as the Father has loved Me, I have also loved you; abide in My love. 10 If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love; just as I have kept My Father’s commandments and abide in His love. 11 These things I have spoken to you so that My joy may be in you, and that your joy may be made full. 12 “This is My commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you. 13 Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends. 14 You are My friends if you do what I command you. 15 No longer do I call you slaves, for the slave does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I have heard from My Father I have made known to you. 16 You did not choose Me but I chose you, and appointed you that you would go and bear fruit, and that your fruit would remain, so that whatever you ask of the Father in My name He may give to you. 17 This I command you, that you love one another.
Love as it was commanded. Hug and kiss your little ones. Tell your spouse you love them. Spend time with friends and ask them how they really are. Listen and love with all the might of God. Please know that I will pray whoever reads this will have a lasting relationship with Jesus Christ, our beloved brother, so that we can have an everlasting relationship with our heavenly father!
a condition found in children who have received grossly negligent care and do not form a healthy emotional attachment with their primary caregivers -- usually their mothers -- before age 5.
There are two types of RAD. Inhibited and Disinhibited. I believe I am getting very versed in the first. Now as we began looking into foster care and adoption, I began to hear this term a lot. I even did a very minimal research into it. I decided at that point, it couldn't happen to us. We were not going to have that in a child we were going to consider. Well, as you know, God likes to see your face when He says this is what you are going to do. Yes, I admit, I'm a stubborn child. I stomp my feet, kick & cry, and down right ignore what he says.
God changes your heart as you go through certain circumstances. I truly believe now this child was placed in our home so we could help her overcome her past, see what a relationship with a parent looks like. This Saturday (Jan 25) she has been with us for 3 months. The first month was an adjustment period. The second month was a rebellion month. Both months have taught me something new. I can only say that as I look back and not as I was going through it. In our child, RAD looks something like this: Temper tantrums in an almost 13 year old. Crying for no reason other than to get attention. Hiding food and disobeying at any given time. Running away because of anger. "Threatening" suicide. Arguing with siblings and parents because it made sense at the time. During all these situations the stated child is unable to be consoled, reasoned with, or talked to.
Imagine if you will, your child that has been with you since birth. You have given that child all the love and attention they needed. There are no other psychological issues. Your child has grown up with a core belief of what is right and wrong. The child has gone from infant to toddler to preteen with minimal out-of-the ordinary tantrums. Now imagine a child that has been left to fend for themselves. They have not been taught "common sense" items. They don't understand what it is to be told no but still be loved. They don't understand that when they have a tantrum you will still love them but will give them discipline and guidance to help them grow into a healthy adult. So instead, this same child continues to throw "fits" even though they desperately may want nothing more than your love and devotion. All the while, they are pushing your further away because that is what they have come to learn. It doesn't matter how much they say they love me because when I'm bad, they will get rid of me and stop loving me. There is no healthy relationship because somewhere in their past, they were neglected or weren't able to have a loving, healthy emotional attachment to a primary caregiver.
Not every child in foster care has RAD. As a matter of fact, only a select few actually have it. However it does seem more prevalent in the foster care system. As I read an article on http://cswr.columbia.edu/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/2012_vol3_pg63_balasingham-1.pdf, I saw that only 1% of children under age five are diagnosed with reactive attachment disorder. It goes on to say that about 40% of children in foster care and 50% of children adopted from orphanages have this disorder. To me, this is an astounding number! If all 3 of my children were adopted from an orphanage, at least 1 1/2 would have a form of RAD. Does that even seem right?!?
As I contemplate these numbers, I find myself questioning many things. Why? Why do these children have to suffer so much. Why does my heart hurt so badly for them? What? What is God placing on my heart to do? What will happen to the future of our children if the number of foster care children increases? If RAD compromises a child's ability to have a healthy relationship with anyone, will this also increase other rates like divorces? Think about it, if you can't have a good, strong, emotionally healthy relationship with a parent, how would you be able to have one with a mate? What would you teach your children if you had them?
Now let's look at what the child is possibly thinking. Why doesn't anyone love me? I know they don't love me because they are not meeting my needs. This person doesn't feed me. They don't give me the physical attention I need. They can't communicate with me. I don't want to talk to them. I know they like me but I can't be good all the time. I'm easily frustrated and I don't know how to deal with it. That's ok, I'll just hit or scream at whoever makes me frustrated or angry.
Maybe this is why God has called me to this foster care thing. He is opening my eyes to what He sees. Having two children of my own whom I love with a deep passion and have always tried to give them what they need, I couldn't imagine much outside of this. Isn't this how life is supposed to be? Every mother feels this way, right? Unfortunately, I know one child that didn't feel that way. It has been a difficult yet rewarding few months. My husband's family has seen the effect it has had on me and my children. My husband and I have been so frustrated and out of control, we have had to call in many reinforcements to help us. Yes, this child has yelled at us. She has cussed at us. She has decided to run away. There was even a time with this child hurt my son. (Side note: Later found out, my children may have egged them on a little ;-}) This particular child also was gone from us for a week because of some actions and a few threatening words. My heart hurts to think this child hadn't been loved when they were little and finds it very difficult to make a healthy emotional attachment.
Now, all this is said with a few things in mind. Things are changing folks! With more security, the attachments being made in this home are truly coming along. The girls are making very small baby steps towards becoming sisters, fighting and all. All three children can play together on a good day for 30 minutes or so. The temper tantrums are becoming less and less. God is making His presence known more and more. Each of us is still truly adjusting. I know it is a long road ahead of us. I am encouraged though as I hear from others outside of the family, such as case managers and therapists, that say they have seen our family change in many ways. They also say, knowing this child for several years, they haven't seen her have as big of an attachment to a family as she does with us! Many who know her have also said she seems happier and more relaxed. This my dear friends is nothing short of a miracle. God knows what he's doing, even if you think He's wrong.
I ask, dear friends and readers, to be in constant prayer. Pray for us as a family. Pray for our children. Pray for open eyes. But I leave you with one last request. Please take God's word to heart when it comes to any kind of relationship. John 15:9-17 :9 Just as the Father has loved Me, I have also loved you; abide in My love. 10 If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love; just as I have kept My Father’s commandments and abide in His love. 11 These things I have spoken to you so that My joy may be in you, and that your joy may be made full. 12 “This is My commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you. 13 Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends. 14 You are My friends if you do what I command you. 15 No longer do I call you slaves, for the slave does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I have heard from My Father I have made known to you. 16 You did not choose Me but I chose you, and appointed you that you would go and bear fruit, and that your fruit would remain, so that whatever you ask of the Father in My name He may give to you. 17 This I command you, that you love one another.
Love as it was commanded. Hug and kiss your little ones. Tell your spouse you love them. Spend time with friends and ask them how they really are. Listen and love with all the might of God. Please know that I will pray whoever reads this will have a lasting relationship with Jesus Christ, our beloved brother, so that we can have an everlasting relationship with our heavenly father!
Friday, December 27, 2013
Family
Family....
The best thing and the most frustrating thing! Those that read this and truly know me will know how this is true for me. After Rick & I went through our marriage issues, I'm having to branch out to my family. This is the only way I will change and continue to get closer to Christ.
Those that don't know me and only know what I write might be wondering what in the world I'm talking about. So a very short history of my family. I am the 3rd oldest of many children (combined family). There is Clint, Jeremy, me, Jackie, Kyle, Ryan, Joe, Kipp, and Jamie. I haven't always talked to each of them and I still don't talk to a few of them. I wish I could say I was closer to all of them. Some of it is because I was a very selfish person. Some of it is because they were/are selfish too. We all have our faults and we all have our good points. Growing up with such a combined/blended family was very difficult.
However, I am slowly realizing I'm needing to contact each one of them and tell them sorry in some way or another. As I raise my children, things and priorities are changing. I tell them, "it doesn't matter who does what, if you do something wrong (even on accident) you need to apologize." How are they going to learn to repent and change if I don't. Who teaches them? Me or the world. I guarantee the world won't teach them the Christian way. It is my duty as their mother. To that, who will teach them to forgive if I don't?
I have been very blessed to be married to a man that has a big close family. They are teaching me in many ways what it is to love so completely and deeply. Coming from a lot of stress and heartache, I love this! I only hope that God will allow me to show each of my siblings how much I love them. If He has other plans, I only pray then that I will have the foresight to lean on him and not throw a temper-tantrum.
Christmas is a time for hope. It is a time to reflect. God sent his son. He came down from heaven to a manger. That is how much he loved us. He wants a relationship with us. He wants us to have a relationship with others in His name! Because I want to have a closer relationship with HIM, I will strive to have a closer relationship with my family. I know it won't be easy but with Christ, I have all the hope I will need.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
The best thing and the most frustrating thing! Those that read this and truly know me will know how this is true for me. After Rick & I went through our marriage issues, I'm having to branch out to my family. This is the only way I will change and continue to get closer to Christ.
Those that don't know me and only know what I write might be wondering what in the world I'm talking about. So a very short history of my family. I am the 3rd oldest of many children (combined family). There is Clint, Jeremy, me, Jackie, Kyle, Ryan, Joe, Kipp, and Jamie. I haven't always talked to each of them and I still don't talk to a few of them. I wish I could say I was closer to all of them. Some of it is because I was a very selfish person. Some of it is because they were/are selfish too. We all have our faults and we all have our good points. Growing up with such a combined/blended family was very difficult.
However, I am slowly realizing I'm needing to contact each one of them and tell them sorry in some way or another. As I raise my children, things and priorities are changing. I tell them, "it doesn't matter who does what, if you do something wrong (even on accident) you need to apologize." How are they going to learn to repent and change if I don't. Who teaches them? Me or the world. I guarantee the world won't teach them the Christian way. It is my duty as their mother. To that, who will teach them to forgive if I don't?
I have been very blessed to be married to a man that has a big close family. They are teaching me in many ways what it is to love so completely and deeply. Coming from a lot of stress and heartache, I love this! I only hope that God will allow me to show each of my siblings how much I love them. If He has other plans, I only pray then that I will have the foresight to lean on him and not throw a temper-tantrum.
Christmas is a time for hope. It is a time to reflect. God sent his son. He came down from heaven to a manger. That is how much he loved us. He wants a relationship with us. He wants us to have a relationship with others in His name! Because I want to have a closer relationship with HIM, I will strive to have a closer relationship with my family. I know it won't be easy but with Christ, I have all the hope I will need.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Changing, Stretching
I don't know where to start. Things here the last few months have just been crazy like I suspected they would be. Football, baseball, volleyball. These are the sports my children participated in for September and October. As a mom, I say my children did a GREAT job at their sports.
If you give God your life, fully expect him to take over every aspect of it. I have personally seen God move mountains when he wants them moved. When Rick and I went through our marriage problems and we told God to take over I never expected him to move and change us the way He has. One thing you must know, a contention in our marriage was foster care and adoption. Rick said from the very beginning that our next child would be brought to us and someone would be looking for us. Honestly, I didn't think this would happen. So when we were approved for respite care I thought that was the end of it. I had no clue my life and the life of my family would be changed quite rapidly after that.
On October 7, Rick received a phone call from one of the pastors at our church. Mind you, this was a Monday and Rick was off work. I was out for a walk with the daycare kiddos. He was asking if we would be interested in foster care for a young girl. Without consulting me, Rick said yes. He told me as soon as I got home what had happened. I asked several questions but he didn't know the answers as he hadn't asked. Several days passed before we would hear anymore about this child. On Friday of that week, we had several calls between myself, the child's caseworker, a teacher, and the place this child was staying. It was set. We, as a family, would meet with this child on Monday, October 14 for a "pre-placement" visit. That Monday, I received a call from the "facility" saying this child had poison ivy and was quarantined for 24 hours. So we made plans for the next day. Due to conflicting schedules, Rick had to meet with this girl before the rest of us. He called me and said we would love her. She was shy and would take a while to warm up to us. Later that evening, the kids and I went and met this girl. She did take quite a while to warm up to us but once she did, she talked nonstop.
Friday, October 18th at 6:00 pm, we brought "L" home to our family for a weekend. With no major episodes, we enjoyed the weekend. We went to church, came home and prepared to take her back to her placement. Let me just tell you, that was the hardest thing in the world to do. Rick & Zech stayed home while Amber and I took L back. As we said our goodbyes I had this overwhelming feeling it wasn't right. L cried and wasn't ready to go back. We could hear her behind a door getting upset. She was crying because we had given her something and she wasn't allowed to take it to her room until it had been approved by the supervisor on duty. The supervisor wasn't available as she had been called into another meeting as we arrived. After her therapist got her calmed down, Amber & I left. Upon leaving, both of us made it to the car and just broke down. I hated leaving her knowing she was upset.
I spoke with the therapist the day after. All of us had returned to somewhat normal. Rick & I decided this child would be good for us to do foster care for. On October 25, 2013 L came to stay with us. For three weeks now, we have added a 12 year old girl into our family. We have had good days and bad days. Fortunately, the good have outnumbered the bad. We are all still adjusting to our different family dynamics. I won't say this has been an easy road. I sometimes feel like I'm crazy for doing this. I also have felt like I couldn't do it another day or hour.
Rick & I have talked about whether or not we are doing the right thing. Is this right for our children? Is this right for L? Is it right for us? Where do we draw the line? How do you adjust to having a third child? How do we continue to take care of our family and not leave someone out? All of our conclusions have come back to the same answer. We keep persevering towards what God is leading us into. We have prayed about it. We have talked to Amber & Zech about it. God is stretching us. He is changing us. We are growing closer as a family. I don't know if this will lead to adoption or not. I do know that I will listen to God. I will stand in my faith that He is in control. I will praise him during the storm, thank him when I get a rainbow and sing glory to his name when I can. Not only is God changing my life and my family's life, He's changing hers too!
This Thanksgiving season, take a few seconds everyday to thank God for all you have. If you are going through a storm, know God is just stretching you. He is close. He holds you in His hands. If you are seeing a rainbow, praise Him for the insight you have gained. On Thanksgiving Day, sing glory to God. He has you here for a reason. Take the time to thank him for it!
If you give God your life, fully expect him to take over every aspect of it. I have personally seen God move mountains when he wants them moved. When Rick and I went through our marriage problems and we told God to take over I never expected him to move and change us the way He has. One thing you must know, a contention in our marriage was foster care and adoption. Rick said from the very beginning that our next child would be brought to us and someone would be looking for us. Honestly, I didn't think this would happen. So when we were approved for respite care I thought that was the end of it. I had no clue my life and the life of my family would be changed quite rapidly after that.
On October 7, Rick received a phone call from one of the pastors at our church. Mind you, this was a Monday and Rick was off work. I was out for a walk with the daycare kiddos. He was asking if we would be interested in foster care for a young girl. Without consulting me, Rick said yes. He told me as soon as I got home what had happened. I asked several questions but he didn't know the answers as he hadn't asked. Several days passed before we would hear anymore about this child. On Friday of that week, we had several calls between myself, the child's caseworker, a teacher, and the place this child was staying. It was set. We, as a family, would meet with this child on Monday, October 14 for a "pre-placement" visit. That Monday, I received a call from the "facility" saying this child had poison ivy and was quarantined for 24 hours. So we made plans for the next day. Due to conflicting schedules, Rick had to meet with this girl before the rest of us. He called me and said we would love her. She was shy and would take a while to warm up to us. Later that evening, the kids and I went and met this girl. She did take quite a while to warm up to us but once she did, she talked nonstop.
Friday, October 18th at 6:00 pm, we brought "L" home to our family for a weekend. With no major episodes, we enjoyed the weekend. We went to church, came home and prepared to take her back to her placement. Let me just tell you, that was the hardest thing in the world to do. Rick & Zech stayed home while Amber and I took L back. As we said our goodbyes I had this overwhelming feeling it wasn't right. L cried and wasn't ready to go back. We could hear her behind a door getting upset. She was crying because we had given her something and she wasn't allowed to take it to her room until it had been approved by the supervisor on duty. The supervisor wasn't available as she had been called into another meeting as we arrived. After her therapist got her calmed down, Amber & I left. Upon leaving, both of us made it to the car and just broke down. I hated leaving her knowing she was upset.
I spoke with the therapist the day after. All of us had returned to somewhat normal. Rick & I decided this child would be good for us to do foster care for. On October 25, 2013 L came to stay with us. For three weeks now, we have added a 12 year old girl into our family. We have had good days and bad days. Fortunately, the good have outnumbered the bad. We are all still adjusting to our different family dynamics. I won't say this has been an easy road. I sometimes feel like I'm crazy for doing this. I also have felt like I couldn't do it another day or hour.
Rick & I have talked about whether or not we are doing the right thing. Is this right for our children? Is this right for L? Is it right for us? Where do we draw the line? How do you adjust to having a third child? How do we continue to take care of our family and not leave someone out? All of our conclusions have come back to the same answer. We keep persevering towards what God is leading us into. We have prayed about it. We have talked to Amber & Zech about it. God is stretching us. He is changing us. We are growing closer as a family. I don't know if this will lead to adoption or not. I do know that I will listen to God. I will stand in my faith that He is in control. I will praise him during the storm, thank him when I get a rainbow and sing glory to his name when I can. Not only is God changing my life and my family's life, He's changing hers too!
This Thanksgiving season, take a few seconds everyday to thank God for all you have. If you are going through a storm, know God is just stretching you. He is close. He holds you in His hands. If you are seeing a rainbow, praise Him for the insight you have gained. On Thanksgiving Day, sing glory to God. He has you here for a reason. Take the time to thank him for it!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)