Usually when I write, I write for an audience. Today I write for myself. We were projected to have an ice storm the last 3 days. However, what we got was rain with a little mix of ice. I have been home the last few days with nothing to really do. In addition, I have also had a slight head cold. At night, I'm congested and have been using nasal strips to keep my airways open. VapoRub and Zyrtec D have been my constant companions.

Today was the dreariest of days. It has been cold and rainy with no sun in sight. My mood has matched what it looks like outside. I have spent almost all day reading my Bible and trying to be in a better mood. I have made a blanket with my daughter (no-sew kind), made cookies, washed/dried and folded laundry and even taken a nap. I was up at 8 and its almost 12 hours later. I still don't quite feel like myself.

I'm frustrated and kind of gloomy. It's one of my harder days. It seems like everything someone says to me gets me even more upset. They don't even have to say anything to me. If I think they are thinking ill of me, I'm upset and frustrated with that too. My hubby and I are not even on the same page. I think the kids should be doing something but he thinks there is nothing for them to do. Our son has been on his xbox one all day, our daughter on her computer, and the hubby and foster boy have been watching tv. I've been in the back room by myself for most of the day. Right now I'm in my room trying to get all these feelings out on here.

I know it's been one of those days when the only way I can think of to get myself in a better mood is to write. I don't typically put this type of stuff down. One thing that also irritates me is when I don't feel like I'm being respected and kind of taken for granted. I've felt like this before and I hated the way I felt. Today, I'm feeling that way again.

I don't know if it's my past that makes me feel this way or if it is the present situation. Either way, it sucks! I don't like to blame stuff on my past because I feel like I can overcome that. I always will have feelings associated with it but I have to continually figure out how to make myself get better. That's why I've been in the Bible almost all day.

Lately, I've been feeling like in my house, it might be better off without mom here or at least to stay quiet and let everyone do whatever it is they want to. I don't know if it's really worth the fight. I'm struggling with being heard and being listened to. I'm also struggling with where do I need to be submissive and where do I not. It's this fight that is most hardest for me. I want to be submissive to my husband because this is what God asks of me but I am finding it harder and harder to stay that way. I don't always agree with what he says and I tell him so but he usually overrides what I say. For the most part, I have accepted that. I'm trusting that God will work through him and it'll all be okay in the end. Then there are days like today. Days where I would really like for what I'm thinking and saying to be accepted without questioning it. Where do I go with this? What do I do?

Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day. I'm hoping that when I close my eyes, God allows me to be restored as I was when I didn't care. I pray that He gives me a better understanding of days like this. I also pray that he takes the sorrow that I feel and gives it a purpose. Maybe someone else is going through something like this and doesn't know what to do. Maybe He gives them the same courage and restoration I am asking for.

Today is just one of those days. The kind where I am not feeling blessed or loved. I don't know why but I know I will come out on top another day!

Don't Worry, Celebrate

This morning, I'm sitting outside drinking coffee. I got on Facebook and saw a friend lost his mom. My husband is with his family waiting to hear what will happen with his uncle. A relative on my side is going through chemo.

So, I called my grandma. She is older and wiser. But, I didn't even get to ask her any questions other than the normal how are you. She told me about a visitor that was coming to see her and asked if I was going to be home tonight. I told her no and we talked for a little while longer. Grandma has her good days and bad days. Today was a good day. She told me she didn't think the visitor would recognize her. I asked her why and her reply was because she needed something to help her walk now. The last time she saw this person she couldn't hardly sit still because she felt she had to be doing something.

While I sit here and ponder how things can be so scary and sad in this world, I'm reminded that there are good things too! Yes, sad things happen. Yes, scary things happen. No, I don't have to be weighed down by them. I can rise above them and be optimistic. God conquers all of the scary, sad things in life. HIS church is on the rise. HIS church is growing. He CONQUERS ALL.

Too often, I get into moods that I constantly feel depressed. I cry for no good reason other than I feel sad. I don't always know why either. I worry about what will happen to the world my children live in. I have to make a choice, sometimes daily, to be happy. Then I remember, I'm still breathing. I woke up. I have a family. I have a house and food. I live in a country where it is still my choice whether or not I worship Christ.

Through God's word in Philippians 4:6-7: "Don't worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses every thought, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." I give my worry to Him through prayer. He reminds me that I can be happy. I can live knowing HE will take care of me and I need to rest and let Him take care of what I can't control.

Father God, I come to you today with a sad heart. I know the things of this world are too much for me. I stress and worry about the things that will happen in the future. I ask that you take this burden from me and replace it with the joy and comfort that only you can. Help me to remember as I go through this day, you are in control. Praise be to you for the victory that is coming! Remind me to celebrate with joy throughout so that my children and all those I come into contact with will know of you. Amen

Father's Day

Father's Day can be a terrifying day for some people. It can overwhelm them, make them sad, and leave them exhausted. Depending on the year, I can totally relate to each one.

With that being said, I have four fathers. First and foremost my father God. He is my number one fan. He loves me unconditionally despite all my faults. He wakes me up every morning. He allows me to experience times of hardship to draw me closer to him. He asks for me to listen to him and obey everything he tells me. I, sadly, do not always appreciate him, run to him, or even seek his advice.

Next, there is a guy who accepted me as his own, even though I wasn't. Growing up, I thought he hung the moon and stars. As I got older, I knew he had many faults. One of those faults was a sickening disease. He was an alcoholic. He drank. He was unable to keep a job. He fought with my mother. He made things hard. Despite all that, he taught me. He taught me things didn't even want to know. It takes hard work to keep things together. If you want anything, you will eventually have to work for it. The sad part was, he taught me this because of what my mother had to do because he couldn't. He also taught me that everyone makes mistakes. He suffered the rest of his life because of the choices he made when I was younger. Alcohol eventually ended up taking his life.

My third father also took me in even though I wasn't his. He taught me tough love. He taught me frustration. He taught me not to quit. Growing up with the 2nd and 3rd fathers, I had loyalty issues. I argued with the third because I thought he was unfair. I thought he loved his own children and my brothers more than he loved me. After the 2nd father passed away, I grew a little closer to the 3rd. I'm still not very close with him but I can understand where he came from and what it must have been like to have me as a step-daughter. YUCK! I apologize for a lot.

Finally, my biological father. Not knowing him for a long time and then not liking him when I did know him probably taught me a lot too. Unfortunately, I haven't really discovered what those things are yet. However, I do know that as our relationship progresses, I learn bits and pieces about myself.
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There are many men that have influenced me in my life. It is not just tied to these four fathers. In addition, my grandfather, my uncles, and my father-in-law have greatly influenced me. Each of these men has possessed a quality of my first father. He knew I would need many of them in my life. It wouldn't be until later in life that I would understand that I needed HIM first and always. To each of these men, thank you for giving me a piece of you. I hold each of you so close to my heart.

To those men who influence a child, young or old, thank you. If you are a step-dad, a biological dad, adopted dad, foster dad, or granddad; you are a very important person. You are building future leaders, husbands, and wives. Thank you for turning to your father, earthly and heavenly, for guidance. May God's wisdom, grace, and blessing be with each of you this year and many more.

Being Restored on Thanksgiving

As a foster mom, I understand the holidays are a hard time for my foster and biological kiddos. However, it also reminds me how hard it is for my husband and I. Every November I go into a tailspin. It affects me deeply. Truth be told, it affects my family very deeply.

Four years ago, I had made a decision to leave my husband and take our children with me. Today, we are still together. It is nothing short of a miracle that God gave us and those children we have taken in. November always catches me off guard no matter how I try to be prepared for it. I still think what would have happened if I had followed through with it. What would have happened if my husband had not been as strong as he was? Would we have found our way back to each other? Would we have had the opportunity we have the last two years with foster care?

This morning as I began to wonder these questions, my husband and I were on the phone. He was having the same questions but had others I hadn't thought of. He also pointed out very gently that we were okay and were going to be better every year. After talking to him for a little bit, we hung up and he went back to work. I however decided I needed to shower and get my day started.  In the course of getting my shower, I began to weep heavily as Christian music was playing in the background. It was then that I was reminded that I had been restored and how I use that is going to say what I have learned.

I have kept holding on, year after year, to the painful memories and have not been able to look at the good times that have sprung from that. I know that God took that awful event and has used it for good. I keep punishing myself because I feel like it was all my fault and I am not worthy to be restored. Yes, I have struggled with this for a long time but I am choosing to accept the gift God has so graciously given me, year after year and memory after memory.

For anyone that is going through a tough time like this, I understand your struggle. You are not alone and there is always someone that will understand. I don't claim to know everything, I only have my experience but there are those that are more educated that can help you. I am willing to be a listening/reading person. Feel free to message me and let me know how I can pray for you.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving and don't forget to say Thanks to the power that gave it to us!

It's Different

So, nobody told me the heartache and happiness that would come with foster care. No one told me the frustrations in detail that could go along with it. Most of what was said was, it's different. Make sure you know what you are getting into. It's not bad, it's not good. It is different.

I have had to realize I am not superwoman. I can't do it alone and I can't be everywhere that I need to. Some days will be harder than others. Most will say this of any parenting relationship. Again, it's different. Yes, I have two children of my own and yes, some days are harder than others with them. However, I know how to handle their personalities because I have had 10-13 years of getting to know them.

No matter how long we've had a child, I never feel fully equipped to take care of them. My patience button gets pushed more than I would like to admit. One particular child has been with us almost 9 months. This child started out with me being aggravated on a daily basis. Then they got better. Then just as I thought I had them figured out, I realized I knew nothing about them. I became aggravated once again almost daily. It was different though. This child knew my husband and I were there for them. However, it felt like they were shutting us out and trying to purposely make us upset. Then, we bring another child in and all of a sudden, they take the "leader" role. I still don't have them figured out.

In addition to all of this, my husband and I have added a teenager into the mix. It's been different with this one too. My biological teenager is just at the beginning of the teen years. I'm going to have time to fine tune her new personality. But, when a new teenager comes in and has their own personality and way of doing things, it can be completely different. We don't always see eye to eye. I've been told I have anger issues. I yell too much. These are really hard to hear. I know they are just working through their own things but it really does make you look hard at yourself. Now, it's not all bad. Some good came out of these two situations.

One, I was finally able to admit, yes, I do have anger issues. Yes, I do need help. My anger wasn't because of children. It wasn't because of my past. It wasn't because of my husband either. I was having anxiety. This anxiety was different than what I had dealt with regarding depression. My medication wasn't working and I didn't like the way I felt. So, I went back to the doctor. I'm on new medicine now and I feel like a better person again.

Two, the love I feel from all the kids in my home and my spouse has increased greatly. I know they love me unconditionally. Each child has their own way of showing me the love and thanks they have. I love the one-on-one time with them.

Three, foster care has never been more rewarding. Foster care is opening up more windows and doors to God. One little word or action can help me see what God sees. With each new personality and each new child, I am being refined. My own children are being refined. My husband is being refined also. We are growing up and changing. We are closer somehow, yet also far apart. Each of us sees something different. My children will tell you they don't always like foster care. They don't like having their rooms disrupted or their time with daddy and I taken away. It's not always easy. We work through it like most families, one day at a time.

Even though foster care can be different with each new child, I know one thing remains the same. God is a constant in our home. The littlest child now prays before every meal and snack. He makes sure to remind all the older siblings. The two teenagers talk about Him more and how to deal with changes. The oldest boy is beginning to see why we do foster care. I catch little glimpses of him growing up and having more of a heart for God. My husband studies the Bible more too. Our home has been different. It's not bad, it's not perfect, it's just different. I am learning to love different.

One Year Anniversary

October 25, 2014 will be one year since my family has ventured into foster care in the state of Kansas. In that time, NINE children have come into our home!! This means God has used us to either introduce or reintroduce His name to them. Each of these children has been shown or taught of God's mercy.

As I look back over the last year, we have changed and grown as a family! I went from feeling like I had entered into a world of elation, to feeling like I just barely survive some days. However, I also know that this is the road our family was meant to go down. As I think about each child that has come and gone, I wonder if I have done enough. Then I have to think again of God's love and admit that I couldn't do it all. It's not my path to save or adopt every child that needs somebody. I can only do what He allows me to do.

My husband has come to learn a few things about himself as well. He has changed again as we entered into the foster care world and with each child he has learned something new. He even reached out to one of our foster children and offered for him to call him anytime after he went home. That particular child has since gone home and has checked in with us a few times. It's so great to know he is doing well.

Our children have changed also. Our daughter has had to learn what it means to be a true sister and share her room with another girl. It is nothing short of a miracle that she and I both survived! Our son has also had to learn what it means to have a "big brother". It means, that no matter how hard you try, the older one always needs some alone time. Sometimes, little brothers don't always get to play what they want when they want. Each child has also learned that the world is not perfect. Sometimes, things happen to people and we don't know why.

I wouldn't change the last year for a year of calm. Even though we have been busy with several different children's activities and finding time for ourselves, God has seen me through each new thing. I have witnessed children that have lived through severe neglect and horrible physical abuse. Some of them have suffered great things no one should ever have to see or go through. Two girls have touched my heart. They are strong and don't even know how strong they are. I pray for them as they enter my mind.

Foster care is a hard thing to do. No one said it would be easy. As a matter of fact, I was told in the beginning it would be hard and that person wasn't sure I was cut out for it. I would have to say, I agree with them. It's not easy and some days I wonder myself if I am cut out for it. BUT, then I remind myself, the benefits are much more heavenly. I need to be outside of myself to do this. For it is ONLY with Christ's love and help that we make it through things we don't normally see ourselves doing.

"May the Lord direct your hearts to God's love and Christ's endurance." 2 Thessalonians 3:5

More Children and More Ramblings

So, it's been a few months since I've written my thoughts down. Please bear with me as I try to bring my thoughts together.

The first 1/3 of the year has brought more changes for our family. January and February seemed to have gone by without any issues. Rick and I even began to wonder if we should think about bringing in another foster child. It seemed our daughter had a good "playmate" but our son seemed to be left out. We began to pray about what would be the best thing to do.

God didn't take much time to answer this prayer. On March 4, while I was on the phone figuring some bills out, my husband called on the other line to inform me he was at the doctor's office with chest pains. He stated in addition to his pain, he arm hurt as well. While  he was at the office, I received a call from our foster daughter's caseworker. She stated that she had a child that needed a home. This child had been staying only 1 night in homes for the last week. My heart broke but I still wasn't sure what we needed to do. I asked several questions regarding this child. I was told the child was good but had had physical and verbal aggression in his past. I felt my heart drop. This was the one thing Rick & I said we would not deal with. I began to text Rick and ask him what he felt was right. Because we hadn't actually gotten a no immediately, Rick informed me to say yes. I called the caseworker back and informed them we would give it a trial week and provided nothing happened that would harm us, our children, or anyone else around us, we would make it as permanent as needed..

Our foster son showed up on our doorstep at 9:00 pm the very same day! He was enrolled in school the next day and due to transportation issues, began on Friday. He went to school for a week and then got a BIG break (Spring break). With a minor bump in the road, he has been very good! I even have the opportunity to speak with his mom! God is blessing our family with great opportunities to give HIS message.

In addition to all of this, Rick & I have just celebrated our thirteenth wedding anniversary! It seems crazy to think that a short two years ago that we renewed our wedding vows. Since that time, God has blessed our marriage beyond measure! Yes, we have had to move. Without that though, we wouldn't have decided that we need to begin to pay down our debt and not borrow anymore. To that effect, we paid cash for a van that would fit our growing family! We almost have several bills and a few loans paid off. I have been blessed to have a daycare in my home that is continuing to thrive at this time. The families that come here mean so much to me! I feel the love that each one brings into my home! Rick has also received a few awards at work and has finished his managers training!! That was 18 months of training and then nationally recognized within his company!! I am so proud of him!

I've been talking to our foster children about their circumstances and why it has been allowed to happen. I firmly think that sometimes, in order to get our attention, God will allow bad circumstances to happen. I know for me, I've had to lean heavily on Christ and His teachings to get me through some of the worst things I've gone through! I also find that I'm closer to Him during these times. That being said, one of the children said they've gone through this because they are learning how to behave appropriately and feels they are part of a family that cares. The other child stated just this evening that they feel closer to their family now. They didn't realize how much they would miss their family until they had been taken away.

For me, I'm learning how to appreciate the small things in life. It is also changing how I respond to people. I know in the past, I had so much anger and many issues dealing with it. Many days, I wonder how I dealt with things in the past. How did I come off to people? I don't remember always being nice but I also remember holding a lot in. Did others think I was a lost person? How do those that I grew up with remember me?

Thankfully, I don't have to worry about the past. With Jesus Christ as my Savior, I am forgiven and accepted! My past doesn't control me. I see it as part of who I am and use it to help better myself for the future!! I AM LOVED! I am made in Christ's image and HE is what I strive to become like. I will never make it and for that God sent His son!! What a great opportunity to share this with those I come into contact with, whether it be through childcare, family, church, or foster care!! Thank you Jesus for giving me these opportunities!