RAD--Not an abbreviation I was familiar with a few months ago. It's not something that can be cured with medication. It's not something that will ever truly go away. It is however something that can affect everyone and everything around you. Reactive Attachment Disorder. The clinical definition is:
a condition found in children who have received grossly negligent care and do not form a healthy emotional attachment with their primary caregivers -- usually their mothers -- before age 5.
There are two types of RAD. Inhibited and Disinhibited. I believe I am getting very versed in the first. Now as we began looking into foster care and adoption, I began to hear this term a lot. I even did a very minimal research into it. I decided at that point, it couldn't happen to us. We were not going to have that in a child we were going to consider. Well, as you know, God likes to see your face when He says this is what you are going to do. Yes, I admit, I'm a stubborn child. I stomp my feet, kick & cry, and down right ignore what he says.
God changes your heart as you go through certain circumstances. I truly believe now this child was placed in our home so we could help her overcome her past, see what a relationship with a parent looks like. This Saturday (Jan 25) she has been with us for 3 months. The first month was an adjustment period. The second month was a rebellion month. Both months have taught me something new. I can only say that as I look back and not as I was going through it. In our child, RAD looks something like this: Temper tantrums in an almost 13 year old. Crying for no reason other than to get attention. Hiding food and disobeying at any given time. Running away because of anger. "Threatening" suicide. Arguing with siblings and parents because it made sense at the time. During all these situations the stated child is unable to be consoled, reasoned with, or talked to.
Imagine if you will, your child that has been with you since birth. You have given that child all the love and attention they needed. There are no other psychological issues. Your child has grown up with a core belief of what is right and wrong. The child has gone from infant to toddler to preteen with minimal out-of-the ordinary tantrums. Now imagine a child that has been left to fend for themselves. They have not been taught "common sense" items. They don't understand what it is to be told no but still be loved. They don't understand that when they have a tantrum you will still love them but will give them discipline and guidance to help them grow into a healthy adult. So instead, this same child continues to throw "fits" even though they desperately may want nothing more than your love and devotion. All the while, they are pushing your further away because that is what they have come to learn. It doesn't matter how much they say they love me because when I'm bad, they will get rid of me and stop loving me. There is no healthy relationship because somewhere in their past, they were neglected or weren't able to have a loving, healthy emotional attachment to a primary caregiver.
Not every child in foster care has RAD. As a matter of fact, only a select few actually have it. However it does seem more prevalent in the foster care system. As I read an article on http://cswr.columbia.edu/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/2012_vol3_pg63_balasingham-1.pdf, I saw that only 1% of children under age five are diagnosed with reactive attachment disorder. It goes on to say that about 40% of children in foster care and 50% of children adopted from orphanages have this disorder. To me, this is an astounding number! If all 3 of my children were adopted from an orphanage, at least 1 1/2 would have a form of RAD. Does that even seem right?!?
As I contemplate these numbers, I find myself questioning many things. Why? Why do these children have to suffer so much. Why does my heart hurt so badly for them? What? What is God placing on my heart to do? What will happen to the future of our children if the number of foster care children increases? If RAD compromises a child's ability to have a healthy relationship with anyone, will this also increase other rates like divorces? Think about it, if you can't have a good, strong, emotionally healthy relationship with a parent, how would you be able to have one with a mate? What would you teach your children if you had them?
Now let's look at what the child is possibly thinking. Why doesn't anyone love me? I know they don't love me because they are not meeting my needs. This person doesn't feed me. They don't give me the physical attention I need. They can't communicate with me. I don't want to talk to them. I know they like me but I can't be good all the time. I'm easily frustrated and I don't know how to deal with it. That's ok, I'll just hit or scream at whoever makes me frustrated or angry.
Maybe this is why God has called me to this foster care thing. He is opening my eyes to what He sees. Having two children of my own whom I love with a deep passion and have always tried to give them what they need, I couldn't imagine much outside of this. Isn't this how life is supposed to be? Every mother feels this way, right? Unfortunately, I know one child that didn't feel that way. It has been a difficult yet rewarding few months. My husband's family has seen the effect it has had on me and my children. My husband and I have been so frustrated and out of control, we have had to call in many reinforcements to help us. Yes, this child has yelled at us. She has cussed at us. She has decided to run away. There was even a time with this child hurt my son. (Side note: Later found out, my children may have egged them on a little ;-}) This particular child also was gone from us for a week because of some actions and a few threatening words. My heart hurts to think this child hadn't been loved when they were little and finds it very difficult to make a healthy emotional attachment.
Now, all this is said with a few things in mind. Things are changing folks! With more security, the attachments being made in this home are truly coming along. The girls are making very small baby steps towards becoming sisters, fighting and all. All three children can play together on a good day for 30 minutes or so. The temper tantrums are becoming less and less. God is making His presence known more and more. Each of us is still truly adjusting. I know it is a long road ahead of us. I am encouraged though as I hear from others outside of the family, such as case managers and therapists, that say they have seen our family change in many ways. They also say, knowing this child for several years, they haven't seen her have as big of an attachment to a family as she does with us! Many who know her have also said she seems happier and more relaxed. This my dear friends is nothing short of a miracle. God knows what he's doing, even if you think He's wrong.
I ask, dear friends and readers, to be in constant prayer. Pray for us as a family. Pray for our children. Pray for open eyes. But I leave you with one last request. Please take God's word to heart when it comes to any kind of relationship. John 15:9-17 :9 Just as the Father has loved Me, I have also loved you; abide in My love. 10 If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love; just as I have kept My Father’s commandments and abide in His love. 11 These things I have spoken to you so that My joy may be in you, and that your joy may be made full. 12 “This is My commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you. 13 Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends. 14 You are My friends if you do what I command you. 15 No longer do I call you slaves, for the slave does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I have heard from My Father I have made known to you. 16 You did not choose Me but I chose you, and appointed you that you would go and bear fruit, and that your fruit would remain, so that whatever you ask of the Father in My name He may give to you. 17 This I command you, that you love one another.
Love as it was commanded. Hug and kiss your little ones. Tell your spouse you love them. Spend time with friends and ask them how they really are. Listen and love with all the might of God. Please know that I will pray whoever reads this will have a lasting relationship with Jesus Christ, our beloved brother, so that we can have an everlasting relationship with our heavenly father!
