Anxiety

I struggle with anxiety. I know I shouldn't but I do. Some days it's crippling. Some days, it's just there. Still other days, it's barely noticeable. I always know it's there.

I was thinking today about a few things. I am always busy. The busier I am, the less I notice the anxiety. It's days where my mind is free to wander and think that it really affects me. Don't get me wrong, I like the free me time without kids and a husband. I love to relax. I just don't do it often. I actually like to stay very, very busy.

Most people know I ran a home daycare for years.  I love taking care of kids. Honestly, I think it's because my mind likes to be busy like theirs. I can focus on things that are fun but I'm constantly moving like them. In my teenage years I never stayed home. I either participated in sports, went to sports activities, exercised, went for a walk, or "cruising" with my friends. The same was true for the beginning of my marriage. We were always busy even when our first was little.

I am not sure if I've always had anxiety or if it's just hitting me the older I get. I remember always thinking "what would happen if". There was a lot of turmoil in the household when I was young. My parents divorced, my mom was single and dating, then she remarried. That brought with it a whole new set of thoughts. I had step-siblings. I overheard a lot of talk about financial worries.

I was never in short supply of things to worry about. I tried to keep good grades in school. I didn't necessarily worry about them but I knew enough to keep them up. I had major anxiety about tests and homework and how it would affect those grades too.

So back to today. I am going to try and start a Bible study about anxiety and worry. It's on my Bible app. The reading plan is called Switch. I read about fighting fear today. It said "Fear serves one--and only one--purpose: to keep you alive. It's nothing more than a survival response". It made me realize I have been in survival mode WAY to long. I also loved that it reminded me I have been made for a great purpose. With that, God gave me power to overcome that fear. He gave me power to overcome anxiety. I'm not good at it, but I am going to continue to fight fear and someday I will come out on top.
I will still get stuck on days where anxiety takes hold. I am not perfect. I will try to remember God made me powerful. HE conquered all of this. I am made in His image. Because of this, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:13).

Usually when I write, I write for an audience. Today I write for myself. We were projected to have an ice storm the last 3 days. However, what we got was rain with a little mix of ice. I have been home the last few days with nothing to really do. In addition, I have also had a slight head cold. At night, I'm congested and have been using nasal strips to keep my airways open. VapoRub and Zyrtec D have been my constant companions.

Today was the dreariest of days. It has been cold and rainy with no sun in sight. My mood has matched what it looks like outside. I have spent almost all day reading my Bible and trying to be in a better mood. I have made a blanket with my daughter (no-sew kind), made cookies, washed/dried and folded laundry and even taken a nap. I was up at 8 and its almost 12 hours later. I still don't quite feel like myself.

I'm frustrated and kind of gloomy. It's one of my harder days. It seems like everything someone says to me gets me even more upset. They don't even have to say anything to me. If I think they are thinking ill of me, I'm upset and frustrated with that too. My hubby and I are not even on the same page. I think the kids should be doing something but he thinks there is nothing for them to do. Our son has been on his xbox one all day, our daughter on her computer, and the hubby and foster boy have been watching tv. I've been in the back room by myself for most of the day. Right now I'm in my room trying to get all these feelings out on here.

I know it's been one of those days when the only way I can think of to get myself in a better mood is to write. I don't typically put this type of stuff down. One thing that also irritates me is when I don't feel like I'm being respected and kind of taken for granted. I've felt like this before and I hated the way I felt. Today, I'm feeling that way again.

I don't know if it's my past that makes me feel this way or if it is the present situation. Either way, it sucks! I don't like to blame stuff on my past because I feel like I can overcome that. I always will have feelings associated with it but I have to continually figure out how to make myself get better. That's why I've been in the Bible almost all day.

Lately, I've been feeling like in my house, it might be better off without mom here or at least to stay quiet and let everyone do whatever it is they want to. I don't know if it's really worth the fight. I'm struggling with being heard and being listened to. I'm also struggling with where do I need to be submissive and where do I not. It's this fight that is most hardest for me. I want to be submissive to my husband because this is what God asks of me but I am finding it harder and harder to stay that way. I don't always agree with what he says and I tell him so but he usually overrides what I say. For the most part, I have accepted that. I'm trusting that God will work through him and it'll all be okay in the end. Then there are days like today. Days where I would really like for what I'm thinking and saying to be accepted without questioning it. Where do I go with this? What do I do?

Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day. I'm hoping that when I close my eyes, God allows me to be restored as I was when I didn't care. I pray that He gives me a better understanding of days like this. I also pray that he takes the sorrow that I feel and gives it a purpose. Maybe someone else is going through something like this and doesn't know what to do. Maybe He gives them the same courage and restoration I am asking for.

Today is just one of those days. The kind where I am not feeling blessed or loved. I don't know why but I know I will come out on top another day!