Some days it's really hard to know what I'm thinking. Lately, every day seems to be that way. I have so many emotions running through me, I really don't know what to think. A while ago, my bio father and I reconnected. It was pretty awesome. He remarried and we were all talking. Then, out of nowhere, he started acting different. I'm not really sure what happened but I do know  that it bothers me. I feel like the biggest idiot out there. My hubby says it was definitely not me. He doesn't know what started it either. We had even made plans with them to go visit. Then I got a text saying we wouldn't be able to get together and that he couldn't  tell me why but would when he could. That was over a month ago. Not a word since. It really irritates me! It makes me mad but it also really hurts. My kids are suffering too. They have asked me why we didn't go to their house like we had planned. I don't lie, so I told them we couldn't because their papa said we couldn't get together that weekend. They know. They have the same feelings I do. I'm not good enough for anyone on my side of  the family. My husband's side drops almost everything to see their family, especially if plans had already been made. It's not like that on my side. We hardly get together. My kids know that each side has a different type of love. Unfortunately, it makes it hard for my children and husband to even want to go to events on my side of the family now. I don't blame them either. If I didn't feel so strongly for some members of my family, I wouldn't go either.

That's kind of a harsh reality. I love my family, but I can only take them in small doses now. I wonder if that's how my foster son feels sometimes too. He knows where he is loved and taken care of. He has visits with his side of the family every other week. He's stated on multiple occasions that he doesn't want to go. Because I don't have control over those visits, he has to go. A day or two before his visit, we see some pretty extensive behavior. Sometimes, it's just words and whining. Other times, it's more physical stuff. If I have as much trouble with my emotions and my family, I can't begin to imagine what he is going through at 8 years old. It doesn't matter how much he is loved here, his world will always be different. We never had to go through having food thrown at us or kept locked in a room or be so neglected. I will never know what it is like to have my mother's parental rights taken from her when I was 2. I'll never know what it was to have a father and grandparents abuse me. I'll never know what it was like to only have 2 sisters protect me so much that they suffered more trauma than I did. I can't put myself into his shoes. I will cry more than I ever have in my life.

We have court coming up in one week. We, along with many professionals, have all been summoned to appear in a termination hearing. My brain is a mess. I want to make all the pain stop for this little boy. The sad reality is that it will never stop. It doesn't matter what happens in that court room. If the rights are terminated for his father, he will most likely always feel abandoned by him. He may always miss his sisters and wonder what he did to deserve all that he went through. Yes, he will have us but we are just substitute parents. We are parents that love him and want to protect him. However, we will never be blood family. On the other hand, if he goes home, he may suffer even more. There is no telling what they will go through. I'm sure his father has gone through all the parenting education classes that are required. I know he has stopped doing some things he shouldn't have even done. I don't know how we will react when one of those 3 high needs children does something that upsets him. How bad will it get for them? What if one of our foster son's sisters hurts him on accident? How will he handle that? How will his dad handle it?

For the next week, I'm sure I will be a mess. My hubs and I will stay as strong as we can. We have each other for back up. We have an all power Father watching over us. We can't do this alone. His strength has gotten us through so much. That's what I am leaning on. No, I'm clinging to it. I can't process the feelings I am having but Christ bears them for me. When it's too much, I ask him to take them away from me. So if you read this, please pray for us. Pray that God gives us the sense of peace that seems to escape me at the moment. Pray for understanding. Pray for this little boy who doesn't know where is he going to end up living in  the next year. Pray for hearts to be opened and God's wisdom, power, and righteousness to prevail.