REFLECTION

Today is a reflection day for me. Tomorrow is my day to renew my wedding vows with my husband.  Today though, I reflect on everything that has happened in 11 years.

I was married, I had my daughter and moved a few times while she was still a baby. A year and a half later, I accepted Christ as my Savior!!! (Best choice I ever made) Slowly, I began to let him take over my life. Another year and a half later, my son was born. (We're up to 3 years now) The next few years kind of ran together. Being a working mom, learning the ropes of having two kids. During this time I also decided to stay home and run a home daycare. This was a decision I knew I wanted but I had no clue how it would change my life.  My husband still worked for the cemetery and things were changing there just a fast.

With this stress from his job and the stress of having 10 kids in my small home (only 982 sq. ft.) the hubs and I began to argue. The came the fateful day of a little girl only 3 years old that passed away. Our son was this same age. For the next few years any time one of our children got sick, it was life or death for my husband. This began to take its toll on me. Even though I was home, he would call SEVERAL times to check on the kids. It drove me crazy. I felt like I was just not a good enough mom to take care of them. I knew it was irrational but hey, who said emotions were rational.

This also took a toll on me. I was also dealing with issues from my mother and my "dad" passing away. This time was so hard for me, I held everything inside and let it bother me. I didn't really lean on Jesus for help and I tried not to lean on ANYONE for help. For this is my natural nature! I wish now I would have said something back then. It might have saved me from the depression. There were a few times I thought the world would be better off without me. As these thoughts began to invade my life, I finally went to see a doctor for it as I was crying often. With the help of medication and seeing a counselor, I was beginning to get back on track.

Then my back gave out. With the cost of insurance and doctor bills starting to climb, I made a decision to go back to work. This was now November 2009. With a heavy heart, I went back to being a working mom and trying to hold everything together. The next three years would slowly get worse for me. I was a very angry person and I was hurting. My children frustrated me, my husband and I argued, and I could see the family was starting to unravel.

In early 2011, I felt completely unloved and alone. I knew I wasn't but again, emotions are not rational. I started to look elsewhere for fulfillment.  This would be my demise. In late 2011, I finally told my husband I couldn't be with him anymore and I didn't love him. This is when I found out how much LOVE he had for me. God was so gracious. He allowed my husband to speak with a pastor at our church and we began marriage counseling.  I quit my job in December 2011 and became a stay at home wife and mom again!! My heart has soared!!

Our family let Christ be the CENTER of our life. So as I reflect over all of this, I see a lot of trials. However, I also see a God so loving and so compassionate that he would send his SON for me. My sins, my hurt, my burdens they were nailed to the cross with him. This whole weekend, I will praise that love and thank HIM for what he has done for me. I get a new life in this cemetery!!!!

"The three most important things to have are faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of them is love." 1 Corinthians 13:13